FORMER
craig brown is always good value
At the prodding of an editor, I unwisely sent her samples of the 'real' local feedback that's bombarded our credentials-krazee Corfu Grapevine over the ITV documentary 'Chasing Tall Tales Round Two Islands'. Her response is still pushy but with a glimmer of sympathy:"There is nothing quite like a Comments page for appreciating the pre-ponderance of the banal in human thought and existence."
"Look, I have the car keys. He will not be breaking any speed limit in his GT HushPuppies."How we laughed, and Miranda told me I was positively the wittiest man in the room.
Sent this link to Spitfire Anna as part of her ongoing education into Corfioter-than-Thou-ness credentialia and the Lioness of my Loins chirped back, I had been telling her of the noble patriotic anniversary I would be celebrating, with 5-star Metaxa and music of the rousingest. Now she'll be telling her homettes, "Like yah, the Italians wanted to move in on the Greeks' territo' - totally like the '300' - so the gang leader texted I'm terrified that Maria will be visiting and beckon her over, "Come here, darling, sit by me. Now, do you know what important day this is? I am sure father has been teaching you how to be a good Greek" and Anna will curtsey prettily and spout the above. Maria's expression (shudder): In my ongoing campaign to boost my Corfu Grapevine 'credentials', I'm 'correcting' my harshest critics by reminding them that what Metaxas actually said was, Alors, c'est la guerre.""Daad! Like, 'Oh hi'?"
'Yo! Ioanni!' and he was like 'Oh, hi! Brandy 'n' Redbull?'
"Close enough. Chreess, I will talk to you mia fora!"
"Dear boy! Come in. Brandy and soda? No?
"I get in my own jams."
Thanks to my mother, here in Corfers I mix with the 'Unreal' and - do you know what? - Grapevine might be a-thunder with knee-jerk reactions, but in the salons of the plummy-voweled, not a ripple disturbs the uneasy calm of our own woes.
We/They simply do not comprehend what on earth all the fuss is about.
This must be how all Us/Them revolutions start: cultural incomprehension.
I set out to tease and goad with harmless wordplay, but I under-estimated the sleeping beast that has been woken.
It has not just stirred but reared breathing fires of rage and strangled-vowel indignation that even the most articulate rabble-rousers must sense goes deeper than the imagined slights that fuel these verbal flailings.
I will not take them on.
I've met them individually, of course: in the workplace, pubs and the daily humdrum of life. But never out of their native habitat, and here again is a clue to the uniting unhappiness of displacement.
I've never had a 'home' country - Australia, Hong Kong, unmarried London/married London, Texas, Boston, London again, Hong Kong again, Seattle and crumbling marriage ... Corfu and crumbling family home.
Just to type it is exhausting but only now I do type it does any sense of the rootless reality come thru.
I have nothing to say for or about my fellow inhabitants of this paradise ghetto.
I'm not inclined to watch further episodes, not because of what'll appear on the screen but of the intense boredom and incomprehension stirred by the almost hourly torrent of must-read reactions from others with whom I share my final home.
Ace comment link from the Bluesman.
TALE OF TWO ISLANDS ~ ITV, 0035hrs tonite.
The Grapevine comments that rage *afterwards* are gripping by far than what Matt et co caught on camera.
Nor do we need to know what's gone before: already after only two episodes, it's clear that facts only get in the way.Here we are - only on #2 - and mewl mewl mewl about no mention of the Sanctuary.
Patience, mes chers!
What my Greek homies refer to as 'Κερκυραϊκή-ss my derrière'.
Absolutely hilarious.
Holiday Forum - my daughter in Seattle says they're agog over the show. Sends me this. No doubt old hat to all y'all.
Ferocious battle brewing over ITV's documentary on Corfu (8 episodes, oct 11 - nov 29; props to heroic Domonic for cool tubing as the rest of us flailed round bad-mouthing and bitching) Not my boy, Sinbad: Carrie was too canny. "Tale of 2 islands, 'Normal and the 'Posh', chorus: Denise Kyma caring, Caroline in Salt Tale of two islands, six more to go, [Wild frantic solo, much tremolo bending and opahs! Surly demands to 'show me thy credentials!' and "woss yer corfu 'history'?"] ... a Tale of Two Islands, sand and shining sea, Lawd have mercy! Needs wailing harp from Big Jim and I want to add some grik verses that i'll pass via Maria for tightening and vernacularising as only she can do. More, much more anon.
Unembarrassed contempt for people Not Our Kind: we sneer and jeer at the Posh vs Squash divide, but apparently it still exists. Hark the good old Torygraph; food for thought. I must read the Vine bleats with greater caution and respect.
TALE OF TWO ISLANDS
Corfu credentials and all that hogwash
Sidari down to Kavos, theyre all taking sides
Me i'm in the dog house, everything my fault
Natives gettin' restless, the rich and the po'
Don't miss the dogs n donkeys,
And specially dont miss me. "
Now i read this blog more closely, I see how useful it would have been - still will be - to my life in Corfu
"But, daad! It doesn't give the word!"
'Fie, child, in that case it must be one of your 'modern' words. A plague on it! Choose another!'It was printed in the early 1930s. No excuse.
"Dude! That is like a must in the FAQ."
"So farewell, Jimmy 'Slow-spade' Potts!
Back to Blighty, are we? I'll miss your
Friendly smile and genial comments.
The anons aren't always that obvious
But Keith's mum says yes, they're definitely you.
ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER ~ I have the perfect vantage for repelling boarders - mum's old desk. I can see anyone arriving and duck before they've turned the corner and focused ahead on my window.One of the smarmy gang of mater's gardenry grovelers turned up just before nine - prolly hoping i was still in the seven sleapers or doing business in town.
With a friend, was her excuse, but my face showed the displeasure: she is one of the 'banished' simperers in the court of Marge who was happy to be waited on hand and foot and make no effort to contribute.
So many did help and speak out to make my life a little less servile - not to mention save my mother looking too much the high-handed self-referential gardenry gabbler - that I treat myself to closing the gate to the more egregious uriahs.
This lot wanted to look round the garden and so i took the opportunity to catch up on Fany de Bono's latest last-ditch effort to make his property saleable. He broke ground on this ill-fated condo three years ago and has endlessly modified it to no avail.
It was from Fany's father that my parents bought the land for San Luca and we've been vague friends ever since.
"We all felt a bit sorry for poor Chris-"The funny thing was that the local lady hadnt kept up with the news - they don't in the ghetto [in the ghettoo; good song cue. Notice how El pronounces the Ts. English imitators dont get it right, they try their pathetic American accent on 'ghe-e-ddo'] - and got increasingly worried as I brought her up to speed with Sir Jim's filly fondling low-down ways.(Not for long, they said, but hold! Death has a sting)
"Actually, no you didn't," I butted in, turning to the visitor and explaining, "it was rather like the Jimmy Savile story - plenty of people knew but didnt bloody say anything. Now of course with my mother gone, out they come from the woodwork (meaningful look at the wankerene) but it's too late. The worm has turned."
OK, back to plain *Mister* Savile. That means Dad is plain Mr Holmes (which he wont mind, he never used or abused it) BUT ... mum back to Mrs Holmes? Erm ...
St Peter: sir ... that new gardener? ... you dont have to keep calling her 'lady' ....
Le Bon Dieu: i *know* that, ffs, but you try dropping her title ... that withering 'pleb' look? Just LEAVE it, for My son's sake! Im already in the dog house letting Capability Brown transplant the Burning Bush away from the unicorn corral.
"Ooh, i dont think your mother would like to be talked about like that ..."
I gave her my gimlet Paddington 'look': "Really? Petunias ... paedos ... don't see much difference, m'self"
The guest looked suitably at sea.
JIM WILL FUCK IT ~ I have a Savile story: when i was handling PR for Fred. Muller in the late 1960s, i promoted 'Rufus - story of a fox', adorable creature that his keeper brought down from Pitlochry to take around the TV shows. Absolutely tame and i used to hold him as we walked along - I tell you, quite an ego trip sauntering down Oxford Street with a fox in ones arms. Never budged as dogs either side would totally freak. Don said it was his reynardine scent.
Anyway, we went to a hospital where we took R round the wards and let the children stroke him. Savile happened to be there and came round to see who was stealing his thunder and asked me to take Rufus into an empty room because he wanted to show him to a 'friend' - a pretty young blonde - and asked to be left alone with her. I said no way was i letting Rufus off his lead and Savile said he looked tame enough and made to stroke him. Rufus let out a growl and suddenly looked like a wild thing.
"It's the cigar smoke," quipped Savile but i had never seen him like that and when Don came back i mentioned this and he didnt believe me.
I never liked Savile, something distinctly not right about him - OK, something sinister and disgusting.
Loipon, the intruder asked "Shall i make us a cuppa?" to which i apologised, "Best not. Tasia is making me a briam today and i dont like to disturb her." Talk about rude.
So off they pissed and i did my favourite slight of waving once and immediately walking back inside.
I rolled my eyes at Tasia as walked thru the kitchen and she giggled. Mireille was here one day, speaks fluentish greek from the usual abusive marriage and being banished to the mountains. I'd seen off another ghetto grottie and was sniffing appreciatively the mousaká she'd prepared for our lunch. 'Not staying?' asked T as the car graunched down the drive.
"Tell her they stayed too long as it was" but Tasia caught my drift and giggled. Mireille said sternly something about me being soo rude; laughter all round.
"Nnggh ... Sittin' here in cool shadows, pretending i got a mean mean rider, asprawl upstairs in bed,
Gotta love that Shads-style shadow, brittle acoustics, staircase curving past my head
Canceled Sun studios, gonna lay them tracks down
Right here in Corfu instead"
Lord have merceh, but i won't tell lanky Jimbo, pretend i was down in Tupelo, nngghh.
MISSION MARIA ~ attended the Kirk, just to say farewell to the Gullands. Knew it would be a good day. Mary warned me, 'the Pottses are here, but Jim is sitting next to her.' Didnt faze me, went right over and snogged her just the same.
I love Maria. She said she woke each dawn and rushed to the puter to read my latest blog scurrility.
As she left, she trilled out for all to hear, "Remember, Chreess, think of me last thing at night."
I preened. Now to think up some blogois worthy of her scrambling to the puter.
Tasìa was in the bedroom making my bed etc (spoiled boy that i am) and had to listen to me hooting with laughter.
I can't believe I haven't burbled about this before ... Corfu is a microcosm of Britain on a Mediterranean island. The programme tells the story of an island caught on the cusp of two cultures, whilst trying to cope with economic uncertainty. From my hovering around Facebook/Corfu Grapevine, I picked up this report from a subscriber: A fascinating new eight-part documentary series which takes a look at this popular getaway through the eyes of the people who holiday there, and the many who make their living through tourism on the island. [Now i read it, seems like just blurb lifted from a hand-out] Corfu can accommodate a broad cross-section of people as a holiday destination attracting everyone from the super rich to the budget holidaymakers who both share the island in the peak season. In the first programme, we are introduced to Sally who came to work in Corfu as a holiday rep, and now plans weddings for visitors. We also meet a real-life Shirley Valentine. Mary travelled to Corfu in the 1980s and is now celebrating 25 years of marriage with her Greek husband." The crew were here for some time in July and very nice and friendly they were, too. Not the best hour to watch it at many of the bars and hotels who are showing it (specially the bits they are in), but i am plugging my laptop into my mega-inch screen and watching and guffawing from home over some good bottles of wine. 'A Tale Of Two Islands’ [no one understands the title, we all disagree] follows expats and holidaymakers from all walks of life; rich and poor, young and old, English and Greek, in a country that relies on tourism to survive, but is in the throes of economic meltdown.
"A taster for the first episode of Corfu:A Tale Of Two Islands.(Looks like it will be quite interesting instead of the normal Kavos stuff!!)