Down, boy!

Thank Kroisos no one needs tell the Greeks how to mollycoddle their animals.

The Animal Welfare Act holds no terrors for us.

But y'all over in Blighty clearly need Guidelines:

Dog not to be disturbed when eating as this can cause 'food-related aggression'.

Damn'd right: I can't stand tripping over the hound when it's scoffing. Give both it and the bowl a sound kick; that quickly clears my way.

Dogs should not be fed at the table as this can lead to begging.

(What? As in "Darling, I beg you not to feed Cerberus au table . It only blunts his appetite for Cuisse d'Albanicus ." Right ho, mater!)

Groom dogs with long hair at least once a day and all dogs should have teeth cleaned with dog chews or canine toothpaste as part of routine care.

Training dogs should be done through "positive reinforcement" rather than punishment that can lead to behavioural problems in the future.

Dont walk the hound during the heat of the day or feed it less than an hour before vigorous exercise.

Blimey, that's impractical. How do know if, 5 mins after feeding the hounds their usual meat and bone, some light-fingered johnny hoxha isn't going to clamber over the fence and need seeing orf?

Aforesaid Animal Welfare Act of 2006 carries a max jail sentence of six months or fine of up to £20,000.

'Curious' animals such as cats should be kept away from windows or tumble dryers.

(Spoil sport: our moggy LOVES being chucked in the tumble drier. We invite the neighbours round for a good laff)

Signs of stress: barking excessively, urinating indoors, yawning when not tired (sounds more like me than faithful Argos)

Cats are not vegetarians, adults do not need bowls of milk - but they do need somewhere to hide and to scratch claws. (Ack ptui! They've got it all mixed up. Again, that's *me* that needs all that.)

And what would we do sans  the ubiquitous spokesman?:

”A new washing machine or pot plant comes with instructions, currently most pets do not. We think the new codes of practice will improve animal welfare and prevent animal suffering through education.”

You can't invent this stuff.