Goodness Gracious Me!

Or, "Who's sari now?"

Oh PuLEEZ, as my pal Kristine taught me to say ...

Big Brother bullying : As if this yob-culture TV programme didn't already plumb the depths of lowest common taste, viewers are now affecting correctitude sensitivity by complaining about the treatment by her animal housemates of a dark-eyed vedette from the sub-continent.

HellOO  (also for which thanks, Kris) ... that is the whole point of the spectacle.

It's like the Coliseum mob crying spoil-sport over a gladiator kicking sand in the face of an opponent, the better to net and slice him with that kinky trident they wielded in those days.

In fact, the only reason to set aside my Socrates to tune into this must-watch taj mahal of triteness is to check out the latest in:

Boors and bigotry

Racism, sexism, looksism, and any other -ism my compatriots may have come up with behind my back

The latest in guttersnipe jeers and taunts

Latest inarticulate ridiculings of: ethnic background, dietary habits, family tree and/or parental legitimacy, those quaint native garbs to be seen around Lancaster Gate, religious practices ... by George, the full monty.

Shilpa: If that's her name, we're off to a flying start. The dusky lass is a knock-out babe, totally fair game for the quasimodos to lay waste to. She also sports a gift of an alluring accent that sends goose-pimples down my spine and is ripe for the mimic.

Rage on, you Mumbai moaners, but our cup runneth over.

'Clearing out the myths' : I do hope Carolyn Churchill is scribbling with curried tongue in cheek in her Herald piece :

"It could also be envy. Shilpa is beautiful, successful, wealthy, charming and very dignified.

If it is true racism it is unacceptable ...

When she entered the house, Shetty said she wanted to 'clear out the myths and misconceptions of Indian people: we are modern, intelligent and glamorous'."

Not for long, you ain't, if you've got to over-protest to that extent.

Beautiful, successful, wealthy, charming, dignified? Versus 'true' racism?

(Yes, please, whatever you do, spare us the pseudo bile)

Of course it's envy, you big girl's blouse! By the jockstrap of Hermes! What a pathetic state the country must be in if it's sunk to platitudes of that  banality.

Put it away, please: When Peter Sellers and Sophia Loren did a quaintly amusing duet yonks back, Sellers donned a first-rate Indian accent that would have had the record company burned on the pyre in today's emasculated times.

If Big Brother is heading for a clean-up, it will lose its whole raison-d'être. The only hope is that this whole brouhaha is a clever PR stunt and that the Big Bro inmates will be cleared to produce even more offensive tricks from under their dhotis.

Incidentally, Sellers had THE most gi-normous unrequited crush on Loren which was a bore to one and all. I was dating a girl who knew his daughter and we'd go round with tea and sympathy for what a nutty father he was. Heard all about his posturings and lapdog pleadings for the diva to junk elderly Carlo Ponti and flit off with the multi-voiced PS.