Your taking offence offends ME 

I'm sick to the bloody gills with all this whingeing and caterwauling over which Big Sister said what to the other - and speaking of big, that Jade creature is a frigging manatee, nothing but blubber. Now there's  an eyesore to get riled about - forget the asinine quotes that have flowed from all and sundry.

(Actually, here's a tip: try saying Miss India's mumbai mumblings with your best jai hind accent and they sound rather good.)

But honestly chaps - what a load of hypocritical garbage. Below-the-belt aggression masquerading as injured innocence.

Have you noticed just how devious offence-taking is? Like those squabbles you have with the missus, pretending its about one thing when it's really about summat else entirely:

Projecting personal insecurities on to the world and making others' problems a neurosis one really should be adult enough to keep to oneself.

Or just a power game - win/win crap where you get to slay the other side but still emerge as the cute loveable victim. Know that one? I'm an expert.

And have you noticed how skilled in this art of offence-taking are some of the most evil and dangerous creeps? IRA and Sinn Fein great performers, as is the modern Islamist movement:

"Know what, chief? we're so upset at what the Pope said in an obscure speech that none of us has actually read that we're going to have to bump off a few Coptic padres, and won't that just serve you right for being so rude?"

Instead of pointing out the difference between legit free speech and murdering innocents, what do we do? We bleat about 'Oh dear, blimey, we've offended them. Can't have that. Quick everyone, feel really bad about this and blame ourselves and blame the Pope. In fact, jolly nice of those tolerant muslim johnnies not to have blown up more churches and whacked even more prelates.'

So, we're never allowed to take offence at anything? Not quite. There are all sorts of offensive things we're perfectly entitled to get het up about: for a start, inviting you for dinner and then not bringing on the nosh til way past 10. Oh, and phoning during the siesta should be a capital offence.

Seriously, this increasing trend of taking offence has bad undertones, all to do with single-issue power politics and a conspiracy to sanctify victimhood. Very American and becoming British by the day.

Come on, chaps - get some perspective. Offence isnt something which inflicts itself on one willy-nilly. It's a state of mind. You can choose to take offence or you can choose NOT to be offended. Can't we be a little more grownup about our emotional responses?