Kate Middleton

The paparazzi hounding of Miss Middleton will never now end. Even if she dumps my future monarch, she will still be bankable as the weirda who turned down a "normal" life for living death in the spotlight. As I say, silly gel.

But to the more immediate serious problem of the reptiles harassing her where'er she goeth.

Gosh - difficult one this: One can hardly lash out at these vermin without providing a gift of a pic and making news itself and a hero of the bruised reporter.

But surely Willie boy has some anonymous pals in the ranks who can arrange a cast-iron untraceable 'tragic' accident? What do they teach the military these days? And what a brilliant advertisement for Britain's armed forces if they could pull something like this off under the very nose of Inspector Plod.

Speaking of which, the police would be even better bets for a job well done: If they can chase an innocent bloke into the London Underground and pump him full of bullets, what could they do with Fourth Estate scum with a Nikon?

Long gun versus long-distance lens? No jury would convict.

Come on, chaps - thinking caps on. There's a New Year's 2008 honour in it for some clandestine hero.