Porky Santa

English readers will need no reminding of what a bully-state disgrace Britain has been reduced to, but my belovèd American pals (and family) may be unamused at the latest.

I collect such examples to remind myself of my close calls and what a paradise I live in.

Once again, substance is given to my shaky theory that Americans may have invented political correctness but my compatriots know how to take it to illogical nazi extremes:

Consider Pc Rob Murrie who did exactly what I would have done (if I hadnt already taken a Hong Kong bullet in the back of the neck) and given a Muslim colleague a raft of bacon and butt of Malmsley as my bad taste jokey Secret Santa prezzie.

Come to think of it, I'd never heard of secret santas 'til I earned the Amazon $ and my supe Amie Fisher was my SecSant and gave me a piggy bank as *her* prezzie (next year it was Heaney's "Beowulf" so God bless you Amie for being not just a great supervisor and sexy lady but a great prezzie picker). But I digress.

Well, Rob was forced into resigning after this harmless prank and the Prophet help us if this is the level of nonsensical lack of humour that my employees, the police force, currently exhibit.

Get this, the Muslim officer buddy did not complain and thought the present funny, but "senior officers in the Bedfordshire force were not amused. They declared that 'behaviour of this nature is not tolerated' and 'welcomed' Pc Murrie's resignation."

I bet they did, the pompous wankers, and what contempt must have been felt by 26-year-old Rob with six years' blameless service behind him.

A plague and a thousand curses descend on those stupid stiff-necked disgraces to the uniform: with one blinkered act those robotic buffoons have given succour to our enemies and despair to all citizens who should be sleeping more soundly in confidence of our so-called protectors".