BAD SEX 2012

~ what we're all good at ~

• OYEZ OYEZ! ROLL UP ROLL UP!!
• Full short list of Bad Sex Writers
• The one skill we all lack in common
• Vanity Fair
• Winner to be announced at lavish December ceremony in London – and it is considered a badge of courage for the authors to attend to receive it in person.

• Extracts from the shortlisted novels

• The Quiddity of Wilf Self, by Sam Mills: Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic.
• Noughties, by Ben Masters: We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amongst the pillows and cool sheets.

  We trawled each other's bodies for every inch of history.

• Back to Blood, by Tom Wolfe: Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle's own lips and maw — all this without a word.
• Rare Earth by Paul Mason: He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum, but missing — his paunchy frame shuddering with the effort of remaining rigid and upside down.
• The Yips by Nicola Barker: She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard.
• Infrared by Nancy Huston: This is when I take my picture, from deep inside the loving. The Canon is part of my body. I myself am the ultrasensitive film — capturing invisible reality, capturing heat.
• The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine: And he came. Like a wubbering springboard. His ejaculate jumped the length of her arm. Eight diminishing gouts. The first too high for her to lick. Right on the shoulder.
• The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge: In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle: "Give me no quarter," he commanded. "Lay it on with all your might."