LETTERS TO ATHENS NEWS

Goodness, now they follow up with a pdf of ones letter.

I've been used to waiting til the issue came out before I knew if they'd used it.

APRIL FOOL'S JOKE

Idiot letter in Athens News April 22, to which I responded in the May 13 edition.

"REGARDING your “Speaking English to cost more” story (April 1), as I was reading it, just seems too ridiculous to be true! So I take it was an April Fool’s joke. Don’t get me wrong - I can take a joke just as good as the next guy, but what is not a joke is calling the expats chatty, gossipy or eternally whining and referring to Americans as sneering and loud-mouthed!

Have you forgotten that it is the Brits, Americans and other English-speaking people who buy your newspaper and that you have just insulted us!

If this is not a joke then it just shows you how bad this country has got, spending money on such a ridiculous idea when I’m sure the funds could be used on more important things like education or teaching the immigrants to speak Greek!"

~ Bonnie Korres, Athens

PDF OF LETTER ~ In my Inbox, Monday 16th, a nice little civility.

BUTT-SCULPTING? COMMANDO?

Sounds fraffly exciting and daring, but what could they possibly mean?

I dunno - whose wedding was it?

I'm kidding ~ Philippa's left cheek to the right, of course.

I tell you, that 'pancake' flat-faced chickadee is on her way. Up or down, none can tell. Me, I fear she'll blow it.

Just an instinct ...

Vaguely ouch-amusing cartoons from Private Eye.

ICorrect

Absolutely hilarious over-protesting site that will take you direct to the smokeless fire zone.

The very phrasing of the denials/corrections is a hoot.

But when you think of it, it's exactly the slebs and toffs and mega famous who are above the polloi stratosphere and long since lost any fluency in such denials. Fabulous idea.

BULGER BASHER BUSTED

Ace news - brave new world!

This may be the one ... I can practically hear the honing of the Bowie knives of the soi-disant Team Sixers out there as they catch the scent. Pray god the net data is cool - I mean warm.

Egad, what's going on?

Laden Nailed

Harwood Harried

The Cambridges Well Wed

... and now Venal Balls in our sights. Agog for the next instalment.

New ID ~ the encouraging aspect of Venables needing yet another identity is that pretty soon he's going to land up so befuddled over which ID to be on that he'll use his original name 'n' all and introduce him as the Bulger biffer. Can you imagine the silence in the bar?

It'll be like driving in a foreign country: at first, you know your instinct is to go to the wrong side, then you familiarise so you're OK, then you're at a cross-roads or making a swift turn and your brain tells you to get it right - fast.

You over-over correct and end up on the incorrect side.

One day, Venables will catch a curved ball question that will require him to know A but not B, D but not E. He'll scramble to come up with the new ID, i.e. the most recent autobiog with which he's least familiar - which will include his Venal Balls personna because it's deep in the closet.

Fun. God can you imagine the hackers and e-trackers sifting thru all the 'noise' and mirror sites and whatnot to stick it to The Man.

Million quid ID ~ I love it that this 4th ID is costing us a mill'. Just the thing to get some tax-paying civil servant minion to on the old whistle blower.

And as I said, he'll be so confused by now that he'll be on his 3rd spliff, riffling thru Paedo Monthly [incorporating ShirtLifter Weekly] and some dolly will sit down beside beside him,

"Want a good time, duckie? I'm Lisa"

"Oh yeh right, I'm Jon"

"Wot? As Venereal Bibbles? You know the one I mean, shoved the kid under the choo-choo ... porno-"

"Wasn't like that at all ...."

Aha! With one bound, the thuggo sleuth will rip the wig off and call to the rest of The Firm, "Told you it was him, tuck in, lads."

I can feel the cursors cruising and the keyboards tapping and the Twitters twatting ... not long now, the algorithms are spinning ... Venal Balls' days on the run numbered.

The Hounds of Fate - remember that Saki short story? Jonno will stagger out of a boozer and there in the courtyard, moonlight glittering off their dusters ... oh poh poh ... what a chase that'll be ... teased out for max thrills, JV's panicked breath coming faster and louder in the gloaming.

Nay, lad, they don't make posses like that no more.

"Take him down t'tracks, lads. Midnight Special from Adlestrop due any minute now."

TOMLINSON TUMBLE

I don't need to paste the clips of Ian T stumbling confused from one police line to another.

He is clearly seen standing dazed and alone.

The 'uniformed' thug came up from behind and simply thumped him to the ground.

Look at Harwood's face - a bully liar's face, born of muscled deprival, resentment and lash-out disappointment.

Not a sentient flicker in the eyes, made for that last refuge, gendarmerie.

I don't know the Filth species simply from sharing bars with the Bill or reading [and socialising with] the likes of Jim Barnett and Leo Clancy.

My busker days were very much 1-on-many touchie-feelie experiences; we recognised each other instantly in the 'de-briefing' chamber.

Now I wonder at my public school prissiness in grading them so respectfully.

SIMON HARWOOD - there's a name that'll set the e-xcrement excavators winking red hereon.

Qualification ~ Fair 'nuff, I'm a fair person because I prefer Truth to out before I myself am outed as a sloppy slagger.

22:36hrs Greek time, I've just seen the Beeb news where a sideways camera does show a rozzer delivering a vicious thwomp to the back of someone's pins.

If it was the stumbling Tomlinson that copped it, God rot the undisciplined likes of Harwood.

Pc Harwood said he had used force "initially as an encouragement to make him move away".

And God speed the day when Harwood himself is 'encouraged' to make his own move.

That face ... it's all written there.

Mr Green, if you'd be so good as to play us out.

"Lying and talking rubbish" - BBC. The croc tear was a good wheeze.

"You are a liar and you know it": Went on to claim that his police training entitled him to use his baton against someone who was posing no threat ... also refused to accept that video evidence proved he had pushed Mr Tomlinson in the back."

"They got me, the fuckers got me."

Prolly what fucker Harwood thought he'd been trained for and hence entitled to.

Pray, pray God a hard rain falls on the acne-etched likes of Harwood.

Le Bon Dieu moves in a mysterious way and that often works in our favour.

Just let me be there, Lord, to report it. I don't need no details ~ no how why when or WTF.

'Harwood down' will do. No hurry, no time limit. Craft it, Sir, one of those joyous red-top masterpieces that allows purple prosed harking back to the 'Tomlinson Disgrace'.

Opah! Hard reign.

DAMNING VIDEO: "Pc Harwood left the Metropolitan Police a decade ago amid controversy over an alleged off-duty road rage incident, then got a job with Surrey Police, where he was accused of using excessive force ... due to face a misconduct hearing over the alleged road rage incident, understood to have happened in the late 1990s, but instead retired on medical grounds."

The slime goes on: alleged alleged alleged ... do us a favour. Everyone knows now that 'medical retirement' is a good old wheeze for the Filth: why dont they stop treating us like fools and simply band with the Paedo-Priest Brigade and have a good old laff about the handy loopholes they exploit?

LAST STEPS ~ they ought to choreograph a 'Tomlinson Totter' to be performed at Filth Fuzzschrifts and gala charity dos, with the 'Harwood Hustle' enacted by the partner. Or Harwood himself re-enacting the steps as he's barged out of office and pelted with rotton apples. It's good the meedjer is keeping tabs on his disgrace.

Revised report - pathologist changers tune.

The slime slimes on.

Exsanguination - the words they come up with. So Ian had been on the sauce ... no one but himself to blame hint hint ... we'll slime out of it yet.

Kettle cattling illegal - the grime slimes on.

Pathologist asked by Filth to rule out assault

Inconsistent with arrhythmic heart attack: heart pulse data consistent with Tomlinson dying of internal bleeding.

Illegal killing: Osama binned and laden (what America does best); Wedding triumph (pageantry, wot Brits do best); Filth busted for bad whacking (what they don't do too badly, neither.)

Happy day! Edging towards some sort of least worst justice.

Unlawful: excellent comments from the punters.

Cover-up Central ~ Of course, this is nothing to the Filth, a mere inconvenience of tittle-tattle from which all parties will emerge without even a knuckle-rap.

Harwood/Patel Discredited: actually, i confess i hadnt been following it that closely but they're right, Harwood and Patel are from the same cloth and would have complemented each other perfectly in this particular shoddy job. Neither of them will bite the dust, of course. In fact, after a few shifty words from the bench, both will squirm free to be back soon with exactly the same powers and protection. But it makes for good headlines and and it's always interesting to see photos of these specimens.

"Freddy" Patel - a joke, really, isnt it? I mean, they give themselves away right from from the abbreviated nickname. Honestly, "Freddie" Patel? I don't think even Peter Sellers would fall for that nik.

"Cutting a lonely figure" - tee hee, who's cutting a lonely figure now? I can titter because this is just the opening act of the usual whitewash that will see Harwood walking free and stainless, smirking into his pint as his fellow Filth toast Untouchability. Fuck all will happen, but it needs to be seen to not happen in slow-grinding stages of mock Justice ... solemnity and pontification key ingredients, words like 'fall guy' and 'rush to judgment' to replace 'fallen guy rushed to morgue'.

Harwood is no doubt even now drawing up his 'Absolved Party List', all the while practising before a mirror the solemn expression with which he's been advised to greet the news of his innocence of any blame.

Hall talked balls The slime slurps on: Fellow Filth fibbed to forensics. Not that the Bill has owt to fear, they'll let it all run down their trooser legs and into their regulation socks [eeuuww] and then some high-up will decide,

"Right, that's it. Boorringg. T'punters have had enough. Not guilty, demn'd fine chaps.

Where's that Moore, Smith and Jackson lot? Where's that big darkie was such a star player - ah, there you are Tone ... Ayup, lad, take them three to the cells and give 'em the good news."

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS ~ stalwart Paul Lewis of the Guardian getting the job done.

"WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 5 MINUTES' TIME?"

GOSHAWK!

excellent slow-mo foolery.

Zonker Zorbas of Zoniana ~ OCCHI!

Hilarious.

Five farmers - wedding guests from Irakleio and Rethymno - come to Zoniana to celeb matrimonials and are busted by the Sunday Telegraph as part of Crete's druggie empire.

JOHN LEE HOOKER

~ Leaving ~

I can NOT take my eyes off the dancers ... some pretty sexy girls there.

I kept expecting JL to cut loose. He must've been thinking,

"K, I promised The Man I'd do this; better go thru with it."

VILLA THEFTI

GOD'S GLITTERING GUNSIGHT

Oddly enough, when I went to link to this core page in the history of the loss of my girls' jewels, the derivation of the name 'Villa Thefti' had been deleted.

Alors, on with the story:

Up there, my favourite image of the Cross on the altar of Holy Trinity Corfu.

I write elsewhere about the mis-removement of my personal jewelry but I am often asked whence the nickname for my brother's Tuscan palace where my personal items and daughters' heirlooms now rest safe albeit misplaced from the threat of theft by Corfiot.

Loipon, the tale of the 'Gunsight of God'.

Back in time, I not only drove my mother to church but sat in on the services

Sitting in a cramped pew one day, I noticed how perfect a sniper's rifle sight was formed by the altar Cross.

Each day on waking, I'd take for inspiration one of my missing jewels on which to focus prayers for the return of my treasures

I looked at the Cross and addressed Le Bon Dieu:

"If it please your Holiest B'wanaship, any chance of some teeth into my prayers for the return of my girls' most treasured mementos of their careless dad who left the jewel box next to his bed head, asking to be mistaken for baubles of his dead dad of 20 years' previous?"

I was trying to find a name for the Tuscan spa where my girls' treasures now languish.

Perhaps it was the hangover, perhaps it was my left-ear deafness, but at that moment the Reverend Clifford Owen turned and faced the congregation.

I wasnt wearing my glasses but his normally kindly features seemed wondrously twisted into a conspiratorial evil smile as I swear I heard him complete my fumblings with, "Villa Thefti."

And that, children, is how where the last known address of my most belovèdest possessions got its name.

THE 'NEW' NAVIGATORS RESTAURANT

Grand opening:

Sat May 7, 7pm

OYEZ OYEZ roll up roll up ...

New nosherie opens in Kondokali.

Sue and Christopher Condi presiding.

And what may i ask are 'grown-up' requirements?

Sounds like something posted at my local tobacconist.

"Grown-up requirements? call WORdsworth 2579 and ask for Rita"

As a dedicated smokeur, i always like sticking it to The Man.

Will recrop this for greater visibilitiness.

A.A. GILL

Spectator Diary

I was going to copy and post just one of Gill's April 23rd diary items but all five were so witty that I'm giving you the link itself.

Long time since I've laughed out loud.