10 BEST APRIL FOOLS

Just some ideas and chuckles from years gone by.

WHENCE?

VENAL BALLS GETS HIS LEG AWAY

Some child murderers have all the luck. But I knew a super star like Jonno would get top treatment - lucky bloke.

'F course, it stands to reason that the warders and types who go into this business are a bit warped so ... what nicer than a juicy little 17-yr-old crim with some real aggro behind him.

What pisses me off is that, after all these years and all the so-called long reaches of the Net, no one has yet pinned this bloke down for a good seeing to.

For the memory-challenged - snopes and stuff

SEZ IT ALL ~ look at that face

BRITAIN FROM THE AIR

Dept of Nostalgie

For oldies who might remember

TAX AVOIDANCE = DUTY

TAX EVASION = CRIME

BLUE EARS

RIP

Wrassle on the Rez

One punch-up at which I too would have liked a front seat.

GISELLE TOO SEXY

Must be me: I find the covered cleavage [such as she has] a sight more entrancing.

Over-protesting Egos

~ Maligned & Misquoted ~

Brilliant tongue-in-cheek razor job by clever Judith Woods on the latest brain-wave from the even cleverer and ebullient Sir David Tang, KBE (鄧永鏘).

Do read it and I hope my fave scribbler Rod Liddle also spots the hilarity in this genius idea.

This is typical of Sir David's ability to spot a gap in the best markets and I know a little whereof I speak, having been introduced to Tang many moons ago by my childhood and much-mourned friend, Hamish Cowperthwaite.

ICorrect: I think I get it, but let Ms Woods' playful summary do the work for me:

"His latest venture is ICorrect, an ingenious damn-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that? website where celebrities tired of being impersonated on Twitter and high-fliers frustrated by big fat fibs pedalled in perpetuity on Wikipedia can once and for all put the record straight."

It sounds an Over-protestor's paradise:

Like I'm famous and I want to draw corrective attention to some inconvenient niggling truth in which up to now no-one's been in the least bit curious or interested: I go to my space on ICorrect and minge and winge and 'set the record straight' with all the juicy details and innuendo that the gossip rags have failed to grasp and ... bingo!

It will be an instant success and make hilarious reading such as even Craig Brown will be hard put to parody.

Brilliant. Sir David on top form. Read it alongside his acerbic and accurate advice column in the FT.

Our house happens to be full of nonagenarian Heung Korng-yun, few of whom were fully clued-up on whippersnapper Sir D himself but of course, along with my doughty mother, knew 'the famous Tang' as one crusty Shanghai hand put it. They pounced on Ms Woods' piece and I was happy to talk them thru the underlying humour of the e-Wheeze.

Quite made my rainy Sunday.

Erratum ~ "Big names names ... hoist by their own petards". Miss Woods joins my equally exclusive club of those who misuse the phrase 'hoist with one's own petard'. The other list is of those who get 'fulsome' wrong.

Sir John Cowperthwaite, father of Hamish, was a scholar of early French which (to my ear) he spoke fluently. He coined a wonderful saying based on petard coming from Middle French 'peter', to break wind.

It went something along the lines of 'A fart to those who misuse petard!', delivered in fluent français and capped with a stentorian raspberry on the back of his hand.

I'm glad to see that Wikipedia includes the fact that Sir John 'refused to collect economic statistics for fear it would encourage officials to meddle in the economy.'

Fan Ling faffery ~ trying to sound interested and grown-up, I once introduced a note of gravitas to an early tee on the golf course by confessing myself perplexed by a recent edict from UrbCo (of which my father happened to be chairman at the time).

Sir John rarely wasted breath on the young but this time he confided to me that 'Anyone who isn't thoroughly confused is simply very badly informed.' It was not his coining but for a 14-year-old to be introduced to this gem by someone of Cowperthwaite's intellectual (and impressive physical) stature left a life-time's impression.

Caine Unable ~ Interesting mailbag on this post, many about Woods dig at 'Sir' Michael Caine and his grumpy disavowals

I've long been a dismisser of Caine as someone who has nothing original or humorous coming from his own mouth.

He has the advantage of acting the curmudgeon, which is allowed from sarf Londoners and northerners such as those vile fat puddings Bernard Manning and Les Dawson.

All you do is put everything down and keep a dour face and everyone howls, not with laughter but relief that they themselves weren't in the line of fire.

As Caine ages and believes his own press, he has slowed and become lazier about moving from the boring old chestnuts that a younger man can pull off but rebound badly when from the slouchy mouth of a sullen oldie.

If he doesnt watch it, the brilliant Steve Coogan will slide that way. In the meantime, in this duelling mimics sketch, he [and the equally talented Rob Brydon] are unmatchable.

Note Coog's lazy provocative stretch as he delivers the put-downers' put-down, "Well, they're wrong."

Murder on Mavili

Jammin' on Heaven's door

June 3 is the date you want to aim for ~ all sorts of good stuff to prove the Devil does indeed have the best sounds.

I'm rehearsing up because I'll be playing my own songs and religiosi chansons from Hank and anyone else who's gone gospel.

I'm sure I can dredge some of the Bobster that'll offend the faithful.

Many more details to be posted here so watch this space.

Tell yer friends, tell yer foes, there'll be stompin' in the aisles and anything goes.

We'll have the chicken wire up and the bouncers knuckled and dusted so bring your best congregational hollers and hecklings.

I know a few musicians are passing thru from Blighty and there may even be a few of my old seattle strummers can make a detour.

And of course I'll be practising to join in with Jim Potts [see below] and Raul where I can.

I'm all a tizzy at the very thought.

10 Must-know Blues Riffs

Holy Trinity Corfu is having a hootenanny Friday June 3, 8pm.

The Vicar's wife knew how to haul me out of retirement ~ tell me that OBE-wan Big Jim Potts o'Blooz had agreed to top the billing, and I'm right there.

So I'm frantically digging up crib sheets.

ALL LOVED UP

Close readers of this blog and those who pad alongside me, know my fascination with exotic substances and the footpad side of our sunny isle.

Here at last is some decent witty writing on one of my recent distractions.

Jerry Clarke gives it a good wry Low Life ring.

"‘It makes you all loved up’ ...

I googled MDMA. I had a vague idea it was similar to Ecstasy. It turned out to be the same thing, only in a crystalline form.

MDMA enters the neurons via the monoamine transporters and releases serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine.

Reported subjective effects are euphoria; heightened libido; a strong sense of inner peace and self-acceptance; feelings of empathy, compassion, forgiveness and love; improved self-confidence.

Before it was banned in the US, psychotherapists gave MDMA to their patients as an aid to self-contemplation.

The only possible downside to my taking it, as far as I could see, would be sudden death. [My itals. Wonderful throwaway line]

This is a rare event, however. It is so rare, said one article, that while every death in Scotland from MDMA over a ten-year period was covered in the newspapers, only one in every 250 deaths from paracetamol, one in 50 deaths from diazepam, and one in every three from amphetamines got a mention.

Another potentially negative effect of taking MDMA would be the maximum seven years in prison if I was caught in possession of the stuff, and Trev’s life sentence if he was caught peddling it.

[Ditto, great line]

The Wikipedia article even explained how to make MDMA.

You need safrole, which is a colourless or slightly black oil extracted from the root-bark.

Or the fruit of Sassafras plant, the same stuff used for the manufacture of root beer.

Demand for safrole, it said, is causing rapid and illicit harvesting of the Cinnamomum perthenoxylon tree, particularly in the Cardamom mountains of Cambodia."

FILTH POUNCE

~ PC Plod nab three poppets picking park petunias ~

Good God if I looked like that and had made such a blithering twat of myself over two little girls picking flowers, I would hightail it out of Poole and resign every councillorship that I had besmirched.

Anyway, it seems to point to the doddery Peter Adams having been mercifully retired away from causing further official mischief.

And fer gawd's sake take down the pointers that he

"lives in Whitecliff with wife Brenda. He has two daughters Yvonne and Cheryl, 2 grandsons George and Alfie and a grand daughter Jasmine."

Look at the gormless leathery creep - you'd think he'd brought enough shame and mockery on those around him without inviting pillory and contempt on the rest of his pack.

I refuse to believe that someone who behaves like this would be allowed to affect the title of 'Governor' of Poole and Bournemouth College, or that he 'represents' Poole Councils on any sort of committee.

And I'd stop talking about hidden agendas.

If 'Supporting officer' Pauline Gill knows her job, she'll change Adams' 'phone and email pretty damn'd quick.

ABOUT SAYS IT

JOHN FORTE

No, nothing new about our national treasure. I just need a place to hang this article so I can point people to it who keep asking me a run-down of John.

Latest news is that he'll be back in Corfu around May depending on this and that.

For the past 4 weeks I've been typing 'Sir' John - much deserved but I'm not sure who's telling me this ....

All this flurry of activity has been stirred by a call to Mum from a senior diplomat re-enlisting her aid for a proposed re-visit to Corfu in 2012 by members/holders/whatevers of the CMG order.

Uh ohh, as the workshy would say. Also, I must speed to alert our vice-consul, the ebullient Sarah Ticherou, whose name and office and facilities I already hear maman committing to the 2012 gig.

God's Axes

FROG FOR LUNCH

One of those fancy cafés gourmets along la rive gauche should frame some of these ...

SEXY IN GLASSES

Kate Silverton - transforming the afternoon news.

ROYAL WEDDING

By Royal posting.

No patriotic blog should omit this page.

HIBOU VOODOO

I'm absolutely fascinated by the behaviour of Deportivo Pereira defender, Luis Moreno, in heartlessly booting the opposition's live owl mascot off the pitch.

See for yourself - I wouldn't invent such a disgraceful story.

You see Atletico Junior's mascot take a ball in the beak near the Pereira penalty area ... then Moreno simply comes along and boots the still stunned hibou off the pitch - and off this mortal coil.

I'm not surprised the Panamanian player "has since become a hate figure in Colombia" and nor would I be surprised if we read ere long of a 'Birds' style attack on Moreno by a peck mob parliament of owls.

Owls being night creatures, they'll make it a crepuscular ambush and witnesses will speak of their romantic dusk rendezvous being spoiled by a figure staggering out of the undergrowth clawing in agony at empty bloodied eye sockets as feathers float around him.

This is the sort of payback those Columbians can arrange without missing a single sachet of java.