FOULARD

IHT, 21 July, 2011

Can't you just imagine the prelim argy-bargy negotiations?

"So, infidel, you wanna make photo? What paper this for? Croydon Advertiser? Bravo.

We make good photo - Salome! A clean white vest and my new foulard from Marks n Sparks. I lean back, I drape like this. Look cool.

Bubba, you stay there, look fat and stupid like always; wear that naff cap, look more stupid. Put out bare foot so you look like peasant.

Ziad, you can stay in photo but hold strimmer upside down like you dont know ass from elbow. Also keep expression of lose plot.

["Captain! Government forces surround us!"]

Later, fool! I no yet choose cool shades.

My Armani? No, too gay.

Lidl Special Offer? Boring.

Salome - fetch my Gondolo 'Blue Steel' - perfect.

OK, infidel, can take photo now.

Must show contact sheet, or you no leave with man voice."