19 June 2007

Is Hell Exothermic?

I'm sure this is doing the galactic e-rounds but I got it from a nice teacher of English just arrived from Birmingham.

I suspect Sedition would have got A++ with *his* answer.

It's meant to be an actual question in a chemistry paper that one student answered well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

Smart-aleck penned:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

  • 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  • 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

  • The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

    It's said the student got an A+.

    Curmudgeon me would have reduced it to a mere A for the feeble punchline.


    Ashley said...

    It is very good.

    The place is obviously expanding. It lends one to question the real cause of global warming; suggesting a slightly exothermic Hell. What I might even call a “leaking entropy” were I publishing on the matter.

    Hmmmmm… I wonder if I could get into the religious mags with a pseudonym…?

    Busker said...

    It's exchanges of this calibre that make blogging worthwhile. Pls alert which nom-de-plume you're using when infiltrating the religiosi.

    Ashley said...

    By the by, I did agree w/ you. His punchline was weak and distracted. The bit he was running would have worked much better as "science" and not as "experience."