Τι κάνει νιάου-νιάου στα κεραμίδια

Dude! Where's my view?

I've been watching this slither thru the gossiparium and 4th Estate reptile houses and, if I'm not mistaken, Ms Kaplinsky [right] is not the only one with legs.

< - Before

David Baker, 76, has lived with his wife on the island for more than 20 years.

Along comes Dominic Skinner and sells the trusting Kaplinsky-Bowers a property which, according to the Bakers, has ruined the view they used to cherish.

Quoth Baker, "We are by no means well off, but somehow we have to fight this – and through the courts if necessary."

Also according to DB, documents lodged at the local authority confirm the Bowery hut should be no more than a single storey.

< - After

Crusading Mail on Sunday: Interesting slant the Mail takes on this brouhaha and I'll be watching how the rest of the meedja jump on this tasty little bandwagon of a story.

Loipon, an opportune cause and moment to declare open the 2011 season of our glorious national blood-sport ~ forked-tongue innuendo and two-faced back stabbing.

έτοιμοι, σταθερά, πάμε!

Poh poh - Greece can be soo Greek.

Cassio-pique ~ Ut oh, the delinquent deadline syndrome. Hope they don't think I had a hand in this embarrassing timing.

Even as Bakergate crawls thru the process, out comes the Speccie's 'style' supplement and who do we find on page 40 than the foster child's créations heading a 'luxury' villas ad feature. Ouch! Talk about cassio-peevish.

Usual advertorial template de luxe stuff doing the rounds

Cass' House

Chateau Atolikos

But as I say, unfortunate timing for this sort of spotlight.

Daily Telegraph

hilarious Grauniad fluff puff

Scroll down to the silky CV of Dominic 'Rou' Skinner who's

"been coming to Corfu since childhood

While he was working as an architect for Norman Foster ... he found an abandoned 200-year-old village called Rou.

It seems he has an architect’s controlling eye:

“I said I wouldn’t do the project unless I could buy the whole village; otherwise you couldn’t get the pure finish.”

Interesting use of 'pure'.

Pay no attention whatsoever to my shoving in pics of the fragrant danseuse: no-one suggests that she and her husband acquired the love-nest in anything but best faith and scrupulous dotting of all crimson be-ribboned parchmentry

Oh but don't you love DS's comment on BakerGate, that

"The estate is one of the most successful restoration projects on Corfu and it would be a great shame if the complaints made by Mr and Mrs Baker muddied the sparkling waters of success."

[My itals, but they shouldn't be]

Sparkling waters of success, indeed. I collect urbane brush-offs and this one goes into my top holster.

Speaking of sparkling waters, did you catch that fluting quote about

'The water and the swimming are more agreeable than anywhere else in the Mediterranean.'

Yes, yes, dear boy, but I always mis-time my dip for just before that septic tank chunders into Ναυσικάα's crystal waters.

Making like the Rot'childs: Gotta love that donnish 'agreeable', yah? Shades of Lord Clark of Civilisation.

Not that I know owt or am privy to ... well, I dunno, do I? I'm not privy ... but some folks think that Dom may 'rou' this particular bish and be in for a leetle tedium.

There's a groundswell of sympathy for the Bakers and of fingers crossing that the dosh comes from somewhere for a battle.

How did one reprobate put it?

"FFS, Chris, if we can fork out to save naffing donkeys, we should be able to dip into the ouzo fund for a Dun Skinnin' whip-round to help out Dave and Moy."

Hmm. If I can stay under a certain learnèd friend's radar, this may call for further sleuthing.

Sleuth alert: reassuring update and this is soo Corfu. Friendly tip comment that "Under which learned friend's radar? You do know they're the same? He's repping 2-handed. Trouble from one, complain to t'other."

Well I never, what could he mean?

'Stolen view'~ Daily Express

AGNI DEI ~ By the Sirens of Titan! Did you read those messages of support on the noble Agni Travel message boards? Pardon me for chuckling but some of those stalwarts really stuck it to The Man.

Unfortunately, some of them stuck it too effectively and I have been forced to 'moderate' Topic Baker/57431 towards a more respectful and deferential tone. (Actually, I just closed the whole discussion down and sent the boys round for an 'educational' word with the more articulate and vociferous trouble makers.)

I've said it before and I'll say it again en blogue, it will be a sad day for Mother Corfu when petty-fogging lip service to the Law [dread word!] is allowed to muddy the sparkling waters of entrepreneurial success.

Accordingly - and aware of the pressures on Team Agni not to rock the καΐκι - I have with my usual behind-the-scenes tact and decisiveness 'suggested' a veto on "Topic 57431" and no further references to KaplinskyGate.

This correspondence now closed.

Out of fairness and as a sop to all you bleeding-heart moaning minnies out there, I have retained the contribution from the Bakers themselves, namely that they:

"totally agree that the Rou Estate was tastefully and carefully renovated. Not exactly as a traditional Greek village but, nevertheless, all our fears about "Hooray Henry" parties were dissolved. We have met, and made friends with, many of the guests and they have sat on our terrace with a glass of "pink" and enjoyed our view with us.

It took a great deal of badgering on our part to obtain the adeia (building permit) number.

When it was eventually reluctantly supplied we went to the Town Hall and obtained a copy. The section below our terrace was quite clearly shown to be single storey. By this time two storeys had been erected. We asked our lawyer to draw up a formal complaint which was lodged at the Town Hall on March 16, 2010.

To this day, no action has been taken. We wonder why...?

We are very encouraged by Ms Kaplinsky's response in the article in the Mail on Sunday: She has clearly been misled by Mr Skinner that the problem has been resolved.

Sadly, the only solution is for the offending section of her building to be demolished. Meanwhile, we must suffer workmen totally ignoring the hours of silence and Sunday work - for some reason they are not working today. We wonder why?

We hope that this clarifies our situation."

By the adeia of Amphitrite! Clarifieth it certainly does and proof there was in the swelling postbag on the Agni site.

Hours of silence: Come to think of it, only the other day I was sharing a tincture with our local Παντόφλα του ναυπηγείου (whose pater was one of the builders who worked on our own house) to whinge about the racket from assorted swarthy artisans in the neighbouring property, plying their trade at all sorts of uncivilised days and hours.

The youthful policier gave a Greek shrug and jiggled the ice in his diminishing Chivas: 'What to do? Allah is the Lord of all men's ways'.

Well, Allah is clearly not the lord of fidgety 'St Vitus' Dom's ways and I shall point our chap to the mysterious cessation of work chez Kaplinsky and demand that we too benefit from the 'Skinner Effect'.

Pshaw! Who does one need to sleep with around here to enjoy an undisturbed Bloody Mary?

Rue the effect ~ I've just noticed it ... don't you love the 'style icon' dig? Very subtle. I bet that went over most readers' heads.

Permits: Actually (and publish it not in Gath), our neighbour is not from these parts but a nouveau riche upstart from distant Potamos. He is distrusted and thwarted at each move. I suggested a fresh inspection of work permits followed by a refresher course scrutiny of his entire work force's Resident Permits and other red-tape frippery.

No hidden agenda ~ "David and Moira here again. [Not again! - Ed] All that we can say about the MoS is that they have printed the truth with regard to our situation and that there is, to the best of our knowledge, no hidden agenda.

Thank you so much to all you good people who have expressed support for us.

We will keep you informed as to developments.

Meanwhile, if you want to pop up and see us you will be very welcome ~ David and Moira."

David! Moira! Dudes! Don't say that!

Haven't you read about nice people like you TweetBooking a cosy invite to pop round for some sponge cake?

Next minute it's Chav Central, every thug in the county banging on the door. Best stock up on Stolly and Red Bull now.

No, listen - there'll be Moira passing round the Mr Kipling. Some tattoed bruiser will make polite conversation

"Nice place you've got here, Missus. Bet you got a decent discount for yon view being fooked up 'n' all."

Moira: "Oh that ... bane of our lives. Send Dave to an early grave, that will."

Next thing you know, it'll be a case of:

"Nay, missus, can't be doing wi' that. Ayup, lads ~ View Fail. Lose the plastic shack. Last Lego brick standing is a sissy."

Mark my words - start handing out blanket invites and the next thing you'll know, you'll have a view clear over to the Hot Lips foam bar.

USA Today, no less. If we are not careful, we're going to be nudging the Malcolm Gladwell famous 'tipping point', after which ... who let the dawgs out?

Agni Dei ~ But seriously, hats off to that Agni page for kicking some serious ass. Baad boys, giggle.

I get read here and there around town - Hong Kong, London, Boston-Seattle-San Antonio-Bainbridge Island - and I was getting bothersome queries from all over about the Nathanarium:

"Who are these guys?"

Well, never you mind any more. They've seen the light. Hrrmph.

Monstrous thoughts of suicide ~ I should embed the M.A.S.H. theme here - such a lovely song - but I'm too surprised by it being the International Business Times (no less) that ratchets up the drama on BakerGate.

It's a leetle early to be bending the truth but then I guess that's the Corfiot way.

• Kaplinsky Fail - cheap shot at the divine Natasha K, branding her as buyer of the culprit villa, particularly as they don't then play the money shot and include a pic.

  Those IBT subs clearly don't read my blog because I specifically instructed that NK be kept out of the firing line.

• But I do grudgingly approve of the note of hysteria with which the construction of the 'monstrosity' is purported to have driven the hapless Davy Baker to "thoughts of suicide".

I suppose Dun Viewin *is* a monster of sorts, blocking the entire view, but one's heard that tired description applied so long and so often to the enterprise as a whole that it's rather lost its edge.

Anyway, with the g-rou-some suggestion that Mr Baker has been driven to thoughts of topping himself, linguistic gloves are clearly off and I look forward to monitoring on your behalf the escalating lingo.

Τι κάνει νιάου-νιάου, indeed, and God bless the august Sinbad for passing me that catch-all gem of a phrase

Off-plan ~ 121move.co.uk isn't my source of choice for some of the construction details being glossed over by the others papers, but it does include a classic Domski quote at his most Basil faultless.

Loipon, let's clear one fact up: Spiti SpoilView was bought off-plan by Kaplinski-Bower after the couple "fell in love with its spectacular sea views and hilltop location in the north-east of Corfu" - a love affair, it must be pointed out, unwittingly consummated at the cost of fucking up the Baker's own and original 'spectacular sea views and hilltop location'.

The Bakers moved to the village in 1989 when it was largely derelict and they were the only residents.

The area was transformed from 2004 when Dominic Skinner, an architect and developer, began rebuilding existing properties.

David Baker:

"When we saw the building was progressing beyond one storey we contacted Mr Skinner and said surely there had been a mistake, but it soon became clear he did not believe he had made any mistake. He told us that we could still see the sea if we looked down the side of the new building, and even trimmed a couple of trees to prove the point.

But it’s not the same."

Damn'd right it's not.

But you have to laugh: can't you just see Dom Cleese in full irascible flow ...

"Look, look - there! You blind or something? Between the datura and the periwinkle.

There! That flash of sun on the watery stuff - it's called the sea.

What more do you want, fucking Poseidon waving a pitchfork?"

Squat Not Posh Nuff ~ add pool:

As soon as I read the story of Jason Ruddick [see berk, right], I thought of ViewFail and KaplinskyGate.

Look at that expression - isn't that the epitome of what's going on here with SkinnerGate?

Absolutely perfect.

If this was a movie - Immoveable Squatter versus Manic Mobile - Ruddick would play the elusive squatter king, cramming in our swarthy friends from Black Cat village to Lego Crescent, moaning all the while about geriatric neighbours, BeautyFail, and excessive posturing by Management.

It has that certain in-DOM-itable tang about it - ingenuity, truculence, impatience with small red tape print.

Actually, I can see the Perignon coming to 'negotiate' to have Ruddick thrown in clinky but ending up hiring him, if only for his feel for the more transient phrasings of the "law"?

AGNI PROP - relieved to see the Agni fori message boards back on the beat with Baker buzz and letting the populace speak.

Welcome back robust convenor control and monitoring of 'inappropriate' communications to DaMoy themselves such as off-message innuendo concerning 'vendre de valeur' and timed 'provenance bills of agreement'.

Now that we've re-instated Vox Agni with a suitable 'pipe-down' policy, let us hear no more bakerian flim-flannel.

How many times must I repeat the Eternal Verity that it is not the Corfiot way to allow the muddy welligogs of short-sighted nitpickers to sully our broader-banked crystalline waters of wealth enhancement and entrepreneurial élan.

"Monstrosity" - In the interests of law-abiding accuracy, I took myself and assorted informed legislature up to Kaplinsky Heights to see (and sound) for ourselves what this whole kerfuffle is about.

Tall it may be, and conforming to the famed if derided rou-some 'purity' of materials and blend of 'spirit of the venture'. But to describe ViewSpoil as actually monstrous is to flatter.

A slab is not 'monstrous', however sore it leaves the eye.

No offence to the Bowlinskies, but let's for heaven's sake stick to facts, if only to avoid being dismissed as crying wolf over better-known, more widespread grousome horreurs on display.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

~ rouowners@gmail.com ~

LEUKEMIA ~ As media attention remains fixed on KaplinkskyGate, I am resolutely bemused by the reptile press's obsession with David Baker's health and the fact that he is going down slow with leukemia.

If mention is to be made, let's have details:

Lymphoblastic or lymphocytic

Myeloid or myelogenous?

Subtype B-cell prolymphocytic or acute myelogenous (AML)?

Do the press know something we don't? Are we going to open our tabloids one day to read that preying on DB's acute megakaryoblastica has pushed him to transferring ownership and/or quitting?

And how about the health of other key players, including the honest artisans forced to work the anti-social hours that so irked the Bakers?

I'm suspicious of this emphasis on Dave's health and refuse to see Team Monstrous dubbed as the bad guys hounding Leukaemic Dave to an early grave ... or has some miracle cure been discovered and the topic is being kept on the back burner so as to be topical for some TV special when the MC hollers, "Move that van!" and lo and behold! Down will tumble the 2nd-storey 'monstrosity' to a blast from 'Scat Kat' Skinner and his Sparkling Saxes of Success and forward will step a stethoscoped Eamonn Andrews in the livery of some leukaemia-battling lab to declare "David Baker ... begorrah ... this is indeed yer loife."

SUIVEZ LE FRIC - Yes yes, thank you, grassers, all.

Blimey, if some of your sources are to be believed, I'm amazed you're still employed where you say you are. Do be careful and don't believe what they say about hard-drive 'erasure'. It doesn't exist and the smartie-pants they'll bring in to run you to ground are 2 steps ahead of your best tracks coverage.

Embarrasse de Stool Pigeonry:

The money trail is sub judice, so there. Even I lose track of where the pocket money goes, so don't sweat the small stuff.

Registered under names: Oh come on ... Greek registereds? Über judice, if you ask me ... sly sleuthing among many of you and picking up fag ends from the rest - and not a little rancid grape pips souring the mix.

Darlings, I want the imbalance sheet reportage, not tittle tattle rumblings. That I can invent moi-même in spades [see skinnerio scenarios passim]