DOES YOUR DØERG BITE?

That's the closest I can get to Peter Sellers' inimitable accent in that inimitable line - tho' too many try.

This is my kind of story and I love it that the judge herself is kinda sinister sexy hot - as is her lingo.

So, her Alsatian goes round biting people but she's too high and mighty to own up or tolerate the Little People daring to diss her.

"Judge Beatrice Bolton vowed never to sit in a court of law again after she was found guilty, branding the verdict a ‘****ing travesty’."

Hilarity Fail: I thought Judge Bolton was denying the mutt was hers but all she's doing is a shylock number disputing the exact poundage of flesh munched out of the hapless postie.

"Referring to December’s court case, she added: ‘Will you kindly stop publishing that my dog took a chunk out of Frederick Becker, because he didn’t. Everybody agrees that the injury was a scratch.

‘I am warning you that if there is any inference at all that I was involved or that it was my dog, then you are going to be in trouble.’"

Ah, right - she does deny it was her dog - first it was just a little chunk, then it was not her dog that did the chomping.

For a legal beagle judge, Beatrice does not have the firmest handle on good defence lines.

Shudder - I wouldnt like to come up in front of her: know who she looks like?: Every nightmare's Wicked Stepmother.

"After being found guilty of the offence, Judge Bolton – branded ‘a neighbour from hell’ during the court case – stormed out of the hearing and screamed: ‘I’m going. It’s a ****ing travesty.’"

Hmm, there's something not quite right about someone branding their own business a 'fucking travesty'. I'll have to think about that further ...

"Outside she continued: ‘Do you want a statement? I’ll give you a statement. I have no faith in the justice system whatsoever. I will never sit in a court of law again.’"

Further food for thought. There must be some internal knuckle rapping that goes with badmouthing your own trade, specially when it's the actual 'justice system', fer chrissake.

"The magistrates made no order in relation to the dog, which was sent for specialist behavioural training, but ordered Judge Bolton to pay a £2,500 fine."

Wrong way round, shurely? Fido's behaviour is a result of living with a nutter and won't improve 'til he's removed from the company of that banshee. It's Judge Beatrice who needs the 'specialist behavioural training'.