Empoli ~ Firenze ~ Bologna ~ Bari

A rather wretched 10 days' hiatus over Christmas during which I didn't even need the camera handy: I have pics of the Italy place and it never varies.

Ill-lit and faintly depressing in its bankruptcy of owt to distract a non gardener.

Superbly cooked meals but of such richness that nights were writhings of indigestion

Booze booze booze for every meal ... and more booze and more witless twitterings as the drink too effect.

Apnean grunts and sleeplessness each night.

The only thing that saved me and made my room a sanctuary was the well-channeled TV. Lifesaver.

I kept a calendar on the wall and counted down the 10 days til it was time to catch that 0718 train from Firenze and ride, at which point I took the camera out and clicked.

From Firenze, I changed at Bologna for the long ride down to Bari, and here my fellow passengers were the stuff of novels.

My neighbour across the table looks a bit drowsy but he's listening to his iPod and was great company, catching my eye when a frosty old fogey clambered on and complained about everything, and also translating for me when the chatter picked up.

 

At one of the stations en route, a punkish figure joined us and sat next to Signor iPod, much to our joint dismay. But he turned out to be a decent sort and even mocked himself for all the calls he was taking and his mass of tattoos.

He had a belt with some English pop group's name emblazoned but i had never heard of them so i was one big failure and poor representative of my musical race.

 

This chap was reading Marquez' 'Time of Cholera' and was clearly some sort of business honcho if his important calls were owt to go by.

Post-script pics: In my ungracious way, I had to check out Sinbad's commentarial links (as I choose to name him) in case they were as deadly dull and self-serving as I feared. As usual, I was completely wrong.

• Wonderful bustling carriage, exactly capturing the spirit of my journey.
• A charming and evocative portrayal of two young ladies, uncannily mirroring my companions and whom I would certainly have pestered and chatted up in their day.
• Thirdly, an endearingly donnish self-snap of Sinners himself that I leave to anyone interested to look up for themselves,
  http://www.flickr.com/photos/sibadd/2117698916/
• This blog is here to stalk and feature comely damsels, not housemasterly types who could have been on duty at either of the loathèd schools in which I did time.

Firenze to Bologna

 The countryside was endless shapeless greenery interspersed by long coastlines of beach and sea, deserted now except for amblers and joggers.

 

These two ladies are pensive or dozing now but were the greatest fun.

I don't capture any of her startling beauty here, dammit, but the gal in red had ultra green eyes and the most feline freckles. I kept wanting her to look my way or for me to be brave enough to ask for a pose, but alas ....

 

The chatterbox takes a break and reads.

 

 

 

Yule in Tuscan-shire

 

Some of the views from my bro's property are stunning.

This was the setting sun from my freezing bathroom. At least, if I never got more than a tepid bath, I could gaze out the window and get eye candy.

 

The grounds swell and then sweep down in a valley far as one can see.

 

Athenian Trampler

Hero.

Give that man a large prosecco: pedestrian in Athens finds - surprise, surprise - a whacking great SUV blocking his pavement, so he just walks over it.

I like to think he was in hobnailed boots with big sharp metal studs.

That motorist behaviour is so normal around here, and i speak only for Corfu.

Wonderful story and if i knew which account to which to send his legal fees, it would be in the outbox.

Quote of the week:

"Now I will be tried for property damage but police did not even bother giving the car owner a parking ticket."

andy mckee - guitarist

to fend off all those who mail or phone me at ungodly hours to plead, "in the name of charlie, play me 'drifting'."

le voici.

now can i go back to sleep?

Challenging Brief

Must-read Telegraph journo and parodist supreme, my old pal Craig Brown, gets my vote for best pre-Yule sighting:

A challenging brief

"A reader of my parodic A-Z of Eth!cal PR column by Su Barking has kindly sent in a cutting from the magazine PR Week, dated November 9, 2007.

"Clew Communications is to provide PR support for the relaunch of the controversial drug Thalidomide," it reads.

A photograph of the MD of Clew Communications, Mary Hicks, is captioned simply: "Hicks: challenging brief."

"US company Pharmion has called in the agency ahead of an expected launch across the UK and Europe in 2008. The drug hit the headlines in the 1970s when it emerged that its use in treating sickness during pregnancy in the previous decade had resulted in birth defects," continues the report. "The agency's MD Mary Hicks said: 'The drug's history is a challenge but less so than we expected.'?"

Quoth Brown, "It serves as a handy reminder that satire, however excessive, will always be outclassed by reality."

Faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot

(I feel better now)

No, I don't.

My stoopid blighted landofmyfathers benighted Blighty has sunk so low that cretins like Radio 1 can, with a straight face, even *think* of banning Fairytale of New York from their playlist because it includes the word "faggot".

I enjoy not living in bully state Britain a lot more than you

Cubicle View: snowcapped Albania

 

 

 

George Who?

Quite clever George Clooney advert(s) for Nespresso ... or I think they are.

A lady of my acquaintance thinks he is the cat's whiskers and since I think *she* is rather fine, there's a trickle down effect.

Anyway, the UK Daily Torygraph newspaper is plastering their e-dition with this commercial and CNN Asia, which is what we get in Greece, ditto.

Tom Petty - Running Down a Dream

At the end of the day, when they cut my guitar open, 'Tom Petty' will be engraved there.

Everything I thought I was composing had his influence in the background.

The sneaky thing is that one thinks he's accessible, that you can be like him and that he's mortal and that you can get inspiration, not like the unattainables like Dylan. But, as the man says, Tom's a bad ass.

Harvest Moon

We were still in PacMed and I'd gone up one Sunday from Bainbridge to catch up with the customer survey I was running.

Mr Zach Works (whom God preserve) had his desk just behind mine and he was in India, toting the white man's burden, bringing Fromgrep to the masses.

Around lunch time I got bored so I ambled over to Zach's desk and borrowed a CD, which happened to be this person called Neil Young of whom I had vaguely heard, and the track I played happened to be 'Harvest Moon' of which I had never heard.

I was considerably blown away and it's stayed a favorite ever since - and now here it is on YouTube with as nice a video as the song deserves.

(Another huge favor Zack did me that day was have Iris DiMent on view for me to play).

Zizzi Lop

Ouch!

Not just at the title but for the poor man:

Dude enters London restaurant - in the Strand, no less

Lopes into kitchen, grabs knives, slashes self about a bit

Lops johnson orf.

What *is* it with my god-forsaken bully state benighted Blighty?

Busker's Big Baa-baa Fib

33 years after the event, and after being branded fibber ... I can share this experience, and maybe the couple (in their early 60s now) will see this and understand.

The road I'm driving down in this picture was built 34 years ago by my parents for the builders to access the land on which the house was/is built.

There was nothing but peasant paths and grazing land. No 'lectricity, no nothing.

When I first came out on holiday, I stayed in a small room in Kondokali and drove up in my dad's Fiat Spider to check progress of the house and be what nuisance I could.

After a decent interval pretending to lash the builders on, I'd collect my guitar and cool shades and zoom off to the softest sands, there to get on the outside of the coldest Mythos beers, strum the songs du jour and try to get on this inside of the warmest holiday chicks. Paradise, as I recall.

One morning I was informed that I was needed to give up a few hours doing shepherd duty while Polydoros ('Many gifts') was in town on an emergency.

 

Nothing to it, since a) the dog would do all the herding including keeping time, and b) the sheep could do it all themselves except that they were, um, sort of sheeplike and, um, needed someone there. But in a pinch they could see themselves home and into the pen etc.

So I cruised down in my finery in the natty sports car and strummed a bit of guitar to while the time and drank a little ouzo and took a little sun and then across the field came two backpackers. As they approached, the girl looked in her phrase book and asked me which way to town. Giving her my greekest stare,I replied in fluent Oxford tones that the bus left every 20 minutes from outside the taverna.

My! What good english i spoke; almost as good as a native, wouldn't her boyfriend say? BF nodded.

And what was i doing there, may she ask? A swig and a swill and a wink and a plunk of the guitar. "Just a little shepherding before heading on into town for supplies." Goodness, and was that my car over there? "That li'l jalopy? Yes indeed. Nifty little machine when it wants to be."

And so we bantered on until i noticed the hour creeping up when the faithful dog would rise and git them muttons back home to the toothless ma.

Timing it perfectly, i begged their pardon as i got Fido to help me herd them home. "Yee haw!" I signaled just as the dog rose to do the job anyway. Then I got into the Fiat and slowly drove behind the herd as it shambled home. My new friends followed.

 

As we neared the house, i stopped the car and got out and advanced on the house where the dog was shooing the sheep into a large pen whose gate had been opened by a toothless hag in standard black attire.

"Ah mother!" I called out, "I met some friends back in the field and I thought I'd give them a lift into town, do a bit of shopping and gossiping with the lads, and be back for a spot of luncheon around ... ooh, who knows? Okey doke with you?"

Not understanding a blind bit of what I'd just said, but seeing that I had fulfilled my bargain in bringing the mutton home, the old lady chucked my cheek and waved me on my way.

I gave the pair a lift into town, gracefully acknowledged their continued admiration of my command of the english language - not to mention envy of my trade as playboy shepherd ... and tootled on my way to the nearest beach n bar.

I never saw them again but wondered what tales they told of this immaculately tailored farm boy who drove a buzzbox car and sang Kingston Trio and lived the life of Riley ...

Maybe someone will point this page out to them and they will finally know the truth.

Greek Girls on Parade

Under-*AGE* girls, I wouldn't be surprised, but let's not sink too incorrect or provocative.

I only chose that title to inflame and enrage my B-list readership who keep me on my toes.

As you see, the young folk out here know how to dress, how to carry themselves; they have a sense of duty and pride.

Every time there's a saints' day or national occasion, out they come and they march to the sound of the big bass drum.

And out come the patriotic paparrazzi to snap this flower of youth ....

Can you imagine in America (or bully state England, come to think of it) walking past a streetside photography store and seeing a snap of your daughter/sister/girlfriend/self up there for any perve to buy - and nary a mention to you or permission asked? Huge guffaw.

You would totally freak, and your attorney would hit them with a mega-buck law suit for privacy abuses.

Not so out here in the cradle of democracy: we take things easier and no one thinks anything of it ...

Look at some of the proud but incurious looks on this flower of corfiot youth - lads as well as lasses. Look, indeed, at some of those young stalwarts, period. I can well see why the lensman thought, "Ayup, here's a dead cert for centre rack."

A Little Closer Up

 

 

 

Morecambe, Wise and ... Grieg

The classic sketch with conductor/ivories tinkler Andrew Preview (not to mention Mia Farrow furrower) ... God they were funny. Every single show a gem.

Mafia-style flirting

Soigné self-styled expert, Marco Gambino, reveals the secret of a good flirt: Most important is eye contact and the ability to maintain it.

"Gazing is one of our weapons as Italians," boasts Gambino. "British men and women avoid eye contact because they're scared."

Another common error: talking too much.

"Body language is less open to misunderstandings," quoth MG, "Words can be misinterpreted, especially by women."

TOP 10 FLIRTING TIPS:

1. Use your eyes. Fix the object of your desire with a steady, unwavering gaze.
2. Carry yourself with confidence. This will help to make you look more attractive.
3. Keep your body language open and responsive. Crossing your arms is a definite no-no.
4. Be gently tactile. Just the brush of a hand is enough.
5. Listen and be receptive. There's nothing more heady than someone else's full, undivided attention.
6. Be light-hearted and playful. Don't mention train delays or problems at work.
7. Make an effort with your appearance. There is no shame in a bit of grooming (as any Italian will tell you.)
8. Be brave. The British get 'overattached to their lonely nests'.
9. Avoid cracking jokes. British men often have a very restricted humour that only functions through mates and jokes, says Marco. "This means women feel ostracised."
10. Don't talk too much; fewer words the better.

fotoLibra Version 4

My brilliant good pal Gwyn Headley has launched fotoLibra Version 4.0 and it is bloody brilliant.

Do give it a look ...

Drunk 'n' dishevel'd

Every time I'm tempted to pop back to visit blighted benighted Blighty, they come up with something to remind me what a pigmy of a once-proud country it has sunk to.

This time it's the government's surefire stocking-filler on How to Recognise Drunks.

Yes, I have ordered some for loved ones' ire and amusement.

Examples:

Be alert for the staggering and "dishevelled"

Listen for "rambling conversation"

Offensive language

Careless with money

Exhibiting inappropriate sexual behaviour

Bumping into furniture

Spilling drinks; drinking quickly and/or competitively

Losing train of thought

Difficulty paying attention

Not understanding what's said

Glassy-eyed or lack of focus.

The pub trade lost no time dissing this load of cobblers as "absolute nonsense", calling on the Government to focus rather on supermarkets that flog cheap alcohol.

But Orwell lives: undercover officers will mingle in pubs this Yule and issue 80 quid fixed penalties to staff who knowingly sell booze to drunks.

Know what would have happened in my day down the Wandsworth Road Plough? Some undercover Filth come in and start dishing out tickets to Ray and the staff? I don't reckon he'd've made it out alive.

But fuck! Offensive language? Dishevelled? Sexy lingo?

It's like those tests to find out if you're an alcoholic: answer 'yes' to just 3 out of 20 and you're on the slippery slope ... me, it takes ingenuity and rubbery lies to squeeze even *one* 'No' out of it.

Self Epitaph

This is utterly unlike me and I wouldn't think of posting except it gets me inside and a breather from hideous yardwork.

I woke around 5am still with a clear memory of a dream and this silly 'verse'.

I was in flat countryside with workers in the distance in what looked like paddy fields.

A voice was intoning some lines and a stonemason a few feet away was transcribing them onto a headstone.

I felt the voice's hand on my shoulder and I didn't want to turn round because I thought it might be my father. It wasn't his voice but it *could* have been in the post-Pearly Gates timbre they give you.

It was delivered very calmly.

I've edited and changed it as the day's gone on ...

I'm so tired. Where can I sit for a view?
Here will do. You go about your chores
And we can meet up later, for petits fours

It was such a silly rhyme, I worried about laughing.

The stonemason was trying to finish it to some deadline and kept looking across at me as if the words were a portrait that required getting my likeness right.

When he'd finished it, he laid it on his lap and the voice said, 'Now he must hurry' and I was led down towards the paddy workers where they pointed me towards a mini worldwind that scooped me up and whisked me waking to my bed.

I sat up, grabbed a pen and marveled that I'd use petits-fours when i don't even know what they are. Some sort of After Eight post-dinner sweetmeats, no?

I'll Google and add.

Self-tuning guitar

Go, you Gibson.

STUDIO

 

 

 

Yule Muzak

I'm standing in the post office listening to the piped Greek versions of the old familiars, and enjoying the way the locals are whistling and clicking along: Jingle Bells, Ave Maria, Greensleeves, Silent Night, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen ...

And all I can think of - or hear - is the incomparable Tom Lehrer's take on the commoner carols.

Session work!

 

 

Kindle Garten

Ever since outing Jeff Bezos as a non-Greek after Odyssey mag's diary mention, I'm regarded south of Kassiopi as owning all things Amazonian.

Loipon! Here for my tome-toting pals is Forbes' take on Lord Bezosia's latest plaything, a booksier book even than a book.

Unmarried Marias

Sounds like a Dylan song, but it's just me being lazy and wishing all my unmarried Maria pals, 'chronia pola' and happy name day for Nov 21.

Holmes stars

But of course ....

 

 

So far so good

Back me up, chaps. I've been asked to 'edit' some local wrinklie's rambling reminiscences of living death in the Ionian.

He's titling it "So far, so good".

No, I tell him, "no comma."

"Call yourself an editor?" he storms, "'f course there's a comma, you illiterate."

No, I tell him: 'so far so good' has the philosophical element of 'well, i've made it this far without totally blowing it".

With that comma it's like a triumphant, So far! So good!

"Bah!" he bahs, "and they told me you knew how to write."

I am right - ain't I?

The fleece in Greece grows mainly on your niece

Yonks back I bought myself one of those keyring recording gizmos.

You know the kind, that record a useless 20 seconds of shopping list that you can never hear in Safeway over the tannoy urgings to head on over to aisle 5.

Well, I've found a use at last: as I tootle around simpering to the locals, i try to add to my garbled grecque vocab.

Trouble was, I could never remember what they said the word was or how to pronounce it.

So I started to shove the mini mic in their gob and ask them to speaka into da machine.

Then I'd play it back and they'd nod and I'd whizz off and next time I was in the shop would show off my perfect accent.

So I'm in the lottery shop and Pericles uses a cool phrase that I need. He grunts it into the mic and I nod my thanks when Phaedra (pronounced 'Fethdra') comes over and listens and solemnly tells me that I do NOT want to go round sounding like a sap from Sidari.

OK, I say, "Say it" and press 'record'.

She enunciates it beautifully. I repeat it and she beams and hugs me.

"Now you go anywhere in Greece and they understand you with perfection."

"Say it again," growls Pericles which I do and he calls the boys over. Say it again, which I do in my perfect accent which will take me anywhere in Greece.

The boys nod solemnly. Very good, they agree. I grin delightedly and make to leave.

As I reach the door the old boy with the walrus tache says something, that I sound like a ... musta been slang, didn't catch it.

"Hey mister" He wiggles his hips and gives a moue, "just dont go near any sailor bars, endaxi?"

I find later that there is a huge difference between how women pronounce and even their vocab. Most of the comedy on TV that gets the biggest laffs is mincing blokettes speaking perfectly good Greek but a la femme.

Published and damn'd

Thrice a thousand curses on you, shoddy Hong Kong University Press, for using without permission that photo of my dad as the jacket photo for 'Steve' Tsang's pamphlet on "Governing Hong Kong: Administrative Officers from the Nineteenth Century to the Handover to China, 1862-1997".

And perdition to the lazy editor who couldn't be fagged to pick up a phone and make a courtesy call to local lensman Frank Fischbeck whose iconic - copyrighted -photo that is.

That photo has memories. I was back in Honkers in 1995, working as a PR hack and spare pen. Some print-by-nite mag came on the scene and I was at the editorial meeting where the smartass design chief suggested going with a 'marvelous snap' he'd uncovered of some 'stiff upper lipped colonel blimp fogey'.

He held the photo up for our guffaws and applause.

"Your colonel blimp," I observed icily, "is Sir Ronald Holmes, my late father, and a better man than you.

If you proceed with your lampoon, you will find some people in this town less than sympathetic to such mockery."

enter the dragon

This cheeky chappie entered my life back in May when I was cleaning round the pool and he'd fallen into one of the Chinese tubs and couldn't wriggle out.

I did not lift him out. I tilted the barrel and let him slither away.

Last week maman was on the phone and called me over to admire the cute little fellah hibernating on OTE's modem. Her dangling left toe kept wanting to give him a fond nudge.

"Darling, just get a tissue and lift him out and set him free outside."

Summat told me that my thick garden glove might be better suited.

He made not a move as I reached for him, but the moment I took him behind his neck he turned into a muscular writhing tube of killer reptile.

His fangs went thru the glove like pins into my hand and when I looked him in the face, it was pure venom.

I walked to the kitchen door with him writhing and pumping and even when I hurled him to the undergrowth, he took my glove with him and a chunk of my flesh, leaving a reddening gash that I took straight to the sawbones who drove a needle into me even as my lips started to go numb.

Social engineering ~ Greek style

I'm sure the Greeks have no word for 'social engineering', it being a skill embedded in their DNA and worked every day.

But I have just pulled off a minor feat worthy of an Amazon rep of the old days

• Aug 13: My flirtatious handsome bro' buys our mother a Sony CMT-EH10 stereo system to replace the 1963 Dansette record spinner
• He comments how helpful (and hot) the sales lady was who guided him thru the models and help choose the exact right for maman.
• Yours truly files receipt in tray where it sits until October 25 when he holds a major clean-up and chucks useless document in the bin.
• Oct 26: Sony stereo announces 'No Disc' when it is v clear that there *is* one there.
• Searches city dump for easily identifiable black sack containing assorted grunge incl receipt
• Doom and gloom at prospect of not getting the machine repaired. Decide to throw self at mercy of staff at 'Expert' store.
• Enter store and explain mega problem: via credit card, brother bought Sony for mother mid-Aug. Mother lost receipt (fib fib) and now it has broken down.
• Roll of Greek eyes and twirl of Greek fingers in unmistakeable gesture of "Fat chancopoulou, dude"
• I spot efficient lady hovering, raise voice: "My brother bought it here with a credit card and he was *much* helped by a lady colleague. She gave him very good advice on which model to buy for our mother."
• Efficient lady takes the bait and approaches. Can she help? Is some problem?
• I repeat: my brother bought a new stereo for our mother
• Roll of Greek eyes, twirly Greek gesture: Ah! Such a good son. Surely there must be some Greek in him?
• He was very much helped by a woman staff member who spent much time demonstrating models and asking precise questions about user and usage.
• Loipon! Surely that is myself (asks efficient lady)? Who else has such customer service skills?
• Alas - mother has lost the receipt
• All parties roll eyes and twirl fingers: Mothers! They work their fingers to the bone - how can they be expected to think of trivia like receipts?
• And so? The problem?
• The man rolls his eyes and twirls: no receipt, no can do
• The woman flashes Greek eyes and tells him to look up the date of purchase. The mere man bends to the keyboard and finds my bro's name and details.

  "But what can we do with this?"

  Look of contempt from the lady, who picks up a phone and issues instructiona to some Iron Mountain filing clerk in distant Perithia.

• "I want a copy of the receipt in this office by Friday. Ah bah! What is this story about cannot send receipt? What policy allows a mother to be without her musiki only 2 months after her son has bought her a machina from 'Expert'? What message do we send to mothers and dutiful sons, that we cannot be trusted to fulfil our bargain? Bah!

  Is there a supervisor there with love for family who can see past 'policy'? Loipon, that is better.

• Replaces phone and unsmilingly tells me that the receipt will be for collection at that desk on Monday.
• "And I can use that to get the repair?" She gives me a withering look: Of course.
• She starts to write her name and phone number - 'If you have problem, I give you my ...' - but her male colleague waves it aside as if to say, 'No need. Like *really* no need ... it'll be more than my peace of mind is worth for that receipt not to be here.'
• I simper my thanks and she glares me down.
• As I start to walk out she says - and she is smiling like a schoolgirl - "I remember your brother. He lives Italy. He drives big car - Mercedes"
• I nod, That's Pete.

Colbert for SC Democrat

Colbert has such splendidly presidential features - that chin, those pinched nostrils, the faraway 'Man of Vision' look - that I'm praying his candidacy will rival some of the 'real' politicians and put them to some sort of shame.

hey there, delilah

listening to this guy reminded me of me when i first busked the streets of london and wrote countless turgid love songs about the unattainable totties of Chelsea and South Clapham.

after listening a few times, i was egged to grab the Ovation and start a few new songs of my own about lost youth and other ephemera.

bert jansch

Angi

Running from home

I was running from home in 1964, a Candide innocent in Soho, and Andy rescued me from his perch in Les Cousins and found me a seat. Told me to listen to this Bert Jansch fellow.

If I fancied coming round with some proper dosh some time, one John Renbourn wasn't bad either, and that Ralph McTell had a nice voice on him.

I think Bert told me he'd taped these with a borrowed guitar in someone's kitchen.

I can't remember when exactly I started playing from Davy Graham's repertoire - his version of 'Cocaine', the classic 'Angi', 'Seven Gypsies'.

The great Les Bridger and I sank an ocean of tea arguing over minute nuancing and precise speed and fingering.

Davy had the greyest of non voices and I was disrespectful enough to chug thru his version of Dylan's 'Don't think twice' by way of showing off my fluency with the solo, and mimicking DG's atonal chanting.

But Davy's fingering and style seem to have been part of my own plunking DNA from earliest days.

This delightfully precious and respectful tutoring of Angi made me smile.

Manitas de Plata

MdP, Reyes and Dali

Hands moving like doves.

What is war?

I doubt Dr Stevens approved that misleading question mark in his definition of "What is war and why we do it?" but no matter.

I continue to like living in Corfu more than you and one of the reasons is that I tap Durrell School talks such as this one.

Comment: I couldn't get his link to work in rwells' comment, so here it is to War is a Force.

Tiens! And there, scrolling down to punter opinions, is Ricardo's own measured review.

Fire Statuary

There is still a lot of clearing up after our fire and I couldn't resist snapping this frazzled thicket where we have what appears to be:

A pair of hounds, one looking very canine and the other with jaws wide open.

A gruesome twosome out of some fiery nightmare - part reptile, part who-knows-what. Not to be glimpsed across a moonlit field.