DIVORCE SCHMIVORCE

Jug-ears is thicker than I thought, even dumberer than he looks:

"Wayne is not prepared to take any s*** off the wife and her family, not least because they're all living a very nice life off the back of his talent."

If I were Coleen's attorney I'd've sent out for champagne and booked my next 2 years' summer/winter hols.

He - he - is "not prepared to take any shit"?

Oh poh poh.

And try this:

Rooners scoffing at how his in-laws are all "living a very nice life off the back of his talent"

"If she can't handle it and [the marriage is] over, so be it."

Sex worker 'Juicy Jen' Thompson surprisingly open about where they shagged, and how Rooney never tried to conceal the 'relationship'.

Insiders say Rooney didn't feel especially bad about his actions when talking to his wife.

"He didn't try and wriggle out of it. He just said he wished it had never happened." [Translation: 'wished he had never got caught.']

As for living on Via Facile thanks to Twinkle-Toes, that attitude - possibly just that comment - will have guaranteed Coleen et famille the same good life for years to come, and sans having to put up with li'l Wayne's hanky-panky.

Learnèd counsel will have a field day with those arrogant words, not to mention M'Lud gazing benignly down on the witness box as fragrant dewey-eyed Coleen bravely banishes a strategic tear.

Then across to Him Who Taketh Not Any Shit.

Not hard to decide generously in favour of the wrongèd wife (pregnant at the time, to boot), and I mean generous:

By the time the wheels of justice have ground his gonads slow and fine, HWTNAS won't have much left in petty cash for his whores to live off the back let alone the front of his 'talent' ~ and kiss goodbye to scoring any fancy threesomes.

Actually, young Jennifer looks like the perfect sweet daughter ~ cute, to boot.

There's nothing in the reportage to suggest she was mauled by Gannex-clad grubbies such as Yours Drooly.

But I seem to recall that she went a leetle uncontrollable too young and got on the game somewhat earlier than yer average scrubber.

I also read that Juicy Jeni dubbed our Wayne somewhat talent-LESS down there.

WR would text all sorts of suggestive stuff but when he actually lumbered into the boudoir he'd make do with a mere "Hi", lie down beside her and let her get on with it ~ almost like starting without him.

Somewhat embarrassing to have your own team mates read about The Slapper and what a duff plonker you actually are in the sack.

OK! Wot do birds know? They should stick to what they're good at, yeh?

Whoops, that's exactly wot she was doing.

'Twixt WAG and slag

The Daily Mail is as low as I'll sink for newsprint but it does have Richard Littlejohn who now and then comes up with some decent quotes:

When we learn that Rooney handed over £200 for a packet of Marlboro, suddenly Juicy Jeni begins to seem something of a bargain: In what parallel universe does anyone cough up 200 quid for a packet of fags?

And I thought satire died when Noel Edmonds hired a gamekeeper.

While we're on the subject, where do they get the names for their children? Rooney's kid is called 'Kai' - which is either a Korean car or a type of carp.

The wives aren't much better, either. Is there a more preposterous woman on Earth than Posh Spice?

We are invited to feel sorry for Waynetta Rooney, but then you read the following priceless paragraph:

'She earned £13,000 per episode of her Real Women television show for ITV and £41,000 a month from OK! magazine. She has received £50,000 in royalties from her first two books and was given £283,000 from a publisher for an eight-book deal.

'She is currently on maternity leave . . . but has other deals, including a jewellery line at Argos and has just been unveiled as the new style ambassador for Littlewoods.'

Stop it! I write for a living and I haven't got eight books in me, even if you include the Essex Girl Joke Book.

And how do you become a jewellery ambassador at Argos? It doesn't get much classier than that. It's like being chief sommelier at McDonald's. Right up there with singing in Asda.

The dividing line between WAG and slag is often Rizla-thin.

The Dosh

"Legal experts claim wife Coleen could receive up to £50million in any divorce settlement from her husband, believed to be worth £33million.

Amanda McAlister, head of Family Law with Russell, Jones & Walker said:

“There would be a 50-50 split of assets because Coleen has been with him since the start of his career.

“She is also looking at a percentage of his future earnings and that could be very high.”

Sociology Note:

Proof that we're not just a smutty behind-the-scenes probe into the world of Paying for It ... oh, all right we are.

I just wanted the bird with the bra in and thought coming horny-Grauny 'educational' added a veneer of class.

Brand Coleen ~ ugh, I hate that naff description ~ not that she need care.

Word in t'boutiques is that BC could earn more than Dumpling Face.

This one has legs.