09 October 2013


I have discovered the most divine new 'hobby'. 

I've stopped capping others' stories.

Bit of an effort to begin with, me being such an insecure chatterbox, but the rewards far outweigh the agony of biting my tongue.

Listen, next time you're gathered with pals: my dear, everyone is bent on one thing only ~ topping each other's tall tales. You can see it in their eyes, as soon as they get the gist, you can hear the gears grinding, "Quick, what do I have on the subject?" Too funny.

We don't really listen, do we? We just want to come out on top.

Sage and astute - If it works for me, Lord knows what it'll do for your sex life.

Scenario A: Fanciable lady kicks off wi' mention that she comes from the Manchester environs. Immediately scooped. 

Scooper 1 - "Manchester, eh? I were rep for Rover cars oop 't Manchester, chief rep, had me own expense account and car phone, one of the first. I used to-"

Scooper 2: Which model? I bet I was before you - I had one installed in '68. Government issue, worked for Vickers, didn't I? Hush-hush, can't talk about it ...

Scooper 3 - OMG, were you a spy??  How absolutely thrilling - tell all?

Scooper 2: Oh, I've got some tales to tell, but I'd have to kill you first [laughter]

We all know how it goes.

Later, at a quiet moment at the bar: [modest look] "You mentioned Manchester ... I knew someone in Chorlton-cum-Hardy  ..."

'Oh my god!  But I went to school there!! How amazing!' (She's also thinking how amazing of you to have remembered her original remark. Like, gosh ... she didn't think anyone was listening ... who is this chap? I mean ... well gosh.)

"Fancy a top up?" 
'Thanks, I do rather, it's a dry martini, if that's OK, but on one condition, that we sit away from the crowd - away from that Rover bore ... by the way, I'm Kate, pleased to meet you'.

Sage and silent; Manly, quiet waters etc. Astute: you latched on to what she'd be saying.

Scenario 2 - Soirée at Lord Muck's, usual suspects, trilling laughter n name-dropping. Your home beat, first mention
of a book someone's read and your cue, "Actually, I worked in London publishing ...". No longer.

Sensual cruel-lipped serial trophy wife ex-Lady A, ex-Contessa B, never given you a passing glance, only bats with the 1st XI:
"London's so expensive these days [nods all round, rolling eyes, quick, my Costly London stories] I needed some tweeds for Glenveagh, you know Henry, he's-"
Scooper A - oh my gahd! I had no idEA you knew Henry! Where did you meet him? Clive and I have been going there for years ... were you there for the grouse? This is too funny." 
Sensual Lips [archly petulant] : "We missed the grouse, sad to say: I wanted to take Miranda but the head was being boring and insisted that Mir' stay for the end of term exams. Otherwise of course we would've been there. Simon adores shooting and was furious, threatened to take her out of St Neott's ..."

Scooper B: How is Henry? Last time we were there he put us in the Landseer room, wonderful view of the loch.

SA - No, we always get the Tower. I'm terribly jealous. [blue-blooded laughter].

Cut to later mingling. "Davina, your glass. Freshen it?"

Haughty look: That'd be wonderful. (allow lackey Holmes to bring refill, join the people who matter) 

"There you go. So Miranda's at St Neo? Well done her. How did she do in the end? Her exams, I mean?"

Cruella (un peu taken aback that I'd actually been listening, but pleased because she loves talking about her babies): Oh you are clever to have remembered her name. Not well, I'm afraid, we've had to send her to a crammer ... it's all a bit worrying ...

"Not Braithwaite's? Next to Chez Rideau. Marvelous meat counter, far superior to Partridge's."

By this time she's woken up. 

'Yes! How clever of you!'

"Worked wonders for the Devonshire boy - passed his Common Entrance on the third go"

And so forth. 

Silent Superiority - try it. Lovely feeling, letting the rabble rabbit on. And some of them are quite interesting, what they've got to say, if they're allowed. 

Just sayin' - or rather not.        

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