CORFUCIUS: 2009

KWANZAAAH!!

I always love it when this bogus beanfeast comes round.

I've 'celebrated' it before and I hope I'll keep on banging the bongo for many more moons.

My favourite times were out in Hong Kong where there was a mix of fierce believers (altho' I could never pin them down to specifics) and outright jokesters who'd be happy just to take the forked-stick and run.

The wonderful thing about Hong Kong was that you could cobble up any old excuse for a knees-up and they'd make sure you got your money's worth.

Money always stifled racism - but we sure had a good try.

Obvious and Pathetic whingeing: Oh, and no kwanzatic exotica would be complete without the articulate comment dished up here. When I saw this in the In-box it was like Christmas all over again. It's what we blog for; it makes worthwhile all the drivel that went before.

Holler it loud ~ KwanzAAH!

Official site

Everything you should have been politically correct enough to ask (but didn't get the memo)

Trojaan! ~ serves me right for thinking I could be smartass over the K'zaa festivities. Good old avast! saved me thrice from being kwanzapped by funky virulent trojans.

But interesting ~ I take on exotica and whaam! the ju-ju man slaps me down. Cave fellow tongue-in-cheek dissing whiteys.

TIGER

I fear for my boy.

The blogarium is ablaze and I will add my two denarii because it's fun to conject.

Who'd've thought Mr Kleenissimo would get hit?

My ignorant theory is that there's Trooble oop t'mill. Stuff brewing.

Things indeed not so blissful around the woody hearth.

Been simmering for a while. Some aggro.

Dernier straw. Words exchanged.

Blondie grabs iron, swings

Le Tigre exits before he gets it in the putter.

Argy-bargy with all that car and crashy stuff.

So ... Wood et femme: Wifey realises her meal ticket is at risk.

Hasty story which will unravel v soon, dammit.

Agent: "Oh you silly billies ... what a mess you're in ... got to cobble summat up double-quick.

Mum's the word."

Only human ~ Not sure if Woods is referring to any hanky-panky that went on with the pneumatic Miss Uchitel, seen right there in the very fleshy flesh.

It seems that Woods has his own website, most convenient for scooping the police on the statement he seems to be refusing them.

Stranger and stranger.

It'll end in tears, mark my words.

Rachel Flees NYC

Tottie taps top attorney: When Rachel met Gloria

Beeb: the 911 call

Wife or Wobbly?: Fuzz forage for med files

Give us ^5, Tiger

TMZ scoops, contradicts:

* Why smash in back window to release driver who's in front seat?

* She's small, he's big; unlikely she could get him out so quickly

* Facial injuries inconsistent with whatever he's meant to have suffered from the gentle 'crash', etc.

Web before justice: "About an hour (!) before the troopers arrived Sunday afternoon, Woods released a statement on his Web site taking responsibility for but providing few details about the middle-of-the-night accident that left him dazed, bruised and bloodied."

An hour before?

Golli - as bad as me and my blogging.

California Screening: Ooh! And Le Tigre has 'canceled plans to attend his own golf tournament because of injuries he suffered'.

This boy is on the run and I fear for the outcome.

Place yer bets: Oh how funny ~ gallant Huffington Post brings us what we really want to know: the bookmaker odds. And what we really want to see, more of Rachel.

UPDATE, 3:37 AM: The web site Bookmaker.com is now accepting bets on various possible outcomes of the ongoing Tiger Woods situation.

Here were the opening gambit possibilities, now somewhat old hat:

ADMITS HAVING AFFAIR +250

WILL STAY WITH WIFE +150

GETS A DIVORCE +225

WILL BUY HER EXPENSIVE RING A LA KOBE BRYANT +400

TIGER UNDER THE INFLUENCE +200

Since then, the lines have shifted considerably, in particular, of course, WILL STAY which moved from +150 to a favored -150.

All of the other lines have moved somewhat, but not as drastically.

TOP 10 JOKES ~ now we're talking.

Exit the bunker. Pals urge: Whatever happened, just tell the truth ... by putting a stop to rumours, Woods [can] weather the storm a lot faster than if he remains silent ... He'll get over this. The family will get over it. They'll move on.

Alas, TW is of a different world and surrounded by 'advisors' far less in touch than he needs. Fragments of the truth will emerge, spins and hubris will be the order of the day. Then tears and a journey.

Beeb interrupting Afghanistan to whisk us to police press confab: Wood nailed for Escalade dodgems but no crim rap.

Woods/Waitress: Where there's a hit there's a writ, then the grubby shit.

Cue cocktail waitress

Deep Tail - I'm sorry ... that's another story. No idea how that one got in. Too many cocktails.

Hunting Season: Here we go, and here they come, out of the woodwork. Next stop, guessing the divorce payout.

Slew of contradictions: why can't I write like that? Slew. I don't think I've ever written 'slew' in my life and it's such a cool emotive word.

You look at Ms Ouch-n-Tell and you know she's a woman who deals only in slews.

Eliot Spitzer's Kristen was another slewser loser - not that I wouldn't have minded giving that little vixen a sluicing meself (cue photo - is this a great story to illustrate or what?

And hey, speaking of Sheriff Spitzer, there's another guy took a tumble, eh?

I watched it all so's to admire and ogle his wife, Silda. Now there's a woman of class. Can you imagine her expression when they got into the limo or got home behind closed doors?

Oh poh poh, someone slept on the couch for a few days there.

But enough of yesteryear - what's with the cocktail waitress? Sleaze, maybe, but not yet up in the slews league.

"Drug-abusing hookers" ~ face it, this is why we went into bloggery-pokery inna first place, to run captions like that.

And, like, run exchanges like:

"The guy came downstairs and was like, 'Rachel I don't know you, but you brought hookers here, and they are not even like hookers? This girl passed out on my bed, it was like gross. Like, who are these people?'
"And I was like, 'Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed, I am so sorry.' The whole thing got really weird. "She's just a total train wreck, this girl."

All it needs is like a little fine-tuning, like

"I don't know you, but you brought a slew of hookers here ... Like, who is this slew of people?"

Groveling apology: Show me a 'PURport', I'll show you a dead giveaway SUP-port.

Forgive us our transgressions.

~ Dude, that was fast!

Daily Beast Guide to Future Frolics Safeguards

ZIG ZAG

$1 Million Gob Stopper: Big Bucks for Rachel Uchi-not-Tel

Transgressions: this is all very weird.

"Ms Nordegren offered $5 million after he admitted “trangressions” ... said to have been offered to Ms Nordegren as recompense for her husband's mysterious car crash in the early hours of last Friday."

Quoi? The wife gets dosh for the *prang*? WTF?

Surely, Madame Cheated Chattel says, 'You done me wrong and it's to the cleaners with you, matey.'

Or ... well, I'm not sure what or.

But this itemising of sub-stratas of goofs is very odd.

And I do wish Ms Uchitel would drop that pout. We get it already and, anyway, Keira K owns that foolish hanging of the nethers.

Then there were six

Cablinasian - "Why Tigers need to stray."

Also, I've never heard this 'cablinasian' word before. Sounds like an old time oath. Like 'tarnation'.

Cablination! Cablinatin' Cocktails!

Turns out it's how Woodsy likes to call hisself ~ Caucasian-black-Indian-Asian, reflecting his make-up of 50 per cent Asian, 25 per cent black, 12.5 per cent white and 12.5 per cent [American] Indian.

"He is a perfect amalgam of all the racial types, which is why everybody loves him."

In the rough - And blimey, that Mindy Lawton looks a bit of ruff herself.

(Psst, darlin' - might be a a good time to fix up a new profile pic. Never know when one might come in handy.)

And has everyone noticed how much RED there is around? OMG, if I'd known everyone was choosing rouge for their close-ups, I'd have worn a different frock.

Golf Digest - the whoops cover

The Ladies: Tiger's 10-point cheat sheet.

"OPEN UP TO AUNTIE OPRAH" PLEA

Bad Attitude: Where Woods went awry

Liddle on Woods: the nonpareil Rod Liddle turns his taser laser gazer on Le Tigre

Then there were 7: Heard the one about the golfer and the porn star? Just kidding.

Seriously, what's so humiliating or ridiculous about mistressising yon Holly 'Nicolette Zoe' Sampson? Crikey, she looks in rather good nick - one of the better holes he seems to have played.

I mean, canoodling with the star of Diary of A Horny Housewife and Emmanuelle in Paradise among others? Phwoar!

Have you noticed how this blog spares no effort to bring you all the links, winks and minx in a story?

Also, any clever clogs URLs in the Comments? Wham, there they are in the main text. I've said it before, I spoil you.

Exit Pursued ~ Never an encouraging sign when one side moves out.

Tiger + booze: Elin rats on hubby, told state trooper TW had been drinking before crash, plus addictive drugs.

Documents showed Woods “impaired”, Highway Patrol request refused for hospital blood results.

Quoth Attorney: “Insufficient information provided to lawfully issue subpoena”.

Gatorade gone: Ma-in-law hangs on.

Nekkid Woods pics ~ rumours

Joslyn James: then there were 11

The GRRLS of Tiger

Tiger-featuring ads: Prime time, Nein time.

Tiger's Chicks ~ hope I'm not duplicating. I've lost count of the roundup of skirt in this story.

Loipon, enough already. This feeding frenzy is beginning to disgust even me, and that is saying summat. I just can't resist posting pix of the hot chix that's surfaced, which is of course why the tabloids have stuck with in the name of journalism.

For the avoidance of doubt: I'm not saying that any photos exist of me and my personal assistante, Ms Rita Chevrolet, frolicking in Hacienda Corfuchsia but in case any *do*, the reptiles of the 4th Estate aren't allowed to print them.

To repeat, not that any *do* but I have employed Messrs Sue, Grabbitt and Runn to come down heavily on any redtop slime that prints them, especially that one of Rita et moi enjoying a leisurely horizontal tourney of backgammon on my customised Eezy-Bonque chaise-longue.

And if that non-existent one of me and Rashelle surfaces, I have instructed SG&R to secure 6 copies before sueing the buggery out of anyone who passes these blatant forgeries off as evidence that R and I ever attempted the congress of the antelope and the bumble bee.

(For starters. she kept getting her ankle chain caught in my ear lobe.)

Putt or Futt: Uxor Ultimatum. Ulp.

Suzuki Kookie: I know I said enuff already, but Suzuki and Team Corfucius are in delicate negotiations over renewal of sponsorship, so I could not resist running this pic of hot wheels.

Then there were ... I've lost count. ~ "Public image, not love" - Eldrick, Eldrick, my boy, stop being such a PR disaster bore to yourself and those around you.