WHAT WOMEN WANT

~ Top 10 Romantic Gestures ~

You're probably like me: those tests for alcoholism or irresistibilitiness?

"Tick 4/20 and you, my friendly stud, are hot stuff - except you're prolly too sloshed to get it up."

Am I right?

And you and me, we tick like 16, yeh?

And that's with cheating down? Admit it, you God's gift to babes and the bottle.

So these top romantic gestures:

1. Cover her eyes and lead her to a lovely surprise
   • I've done that in my time. Not with Current Adorée but I'd spot the moment if it arose
2. Whisk her away somewhere exciting for the weekend
   • I would, I would! But her weekends belong to her family
3. Write a song or poem about her
   • Yes, indeed, big tick there on both fronts. She's even made one of my songs the door chime on the family mansion.
4. Tell her that she is the most wonderful woman you have ever met
   • I do that, too, ad suam nauseam . But she's terribly sweet and pretends it sounds new each time.
5. Run her a relaxing bath after she has had a bad day at work
   • Crois moi, I yearn to fill her Badedas'd tub with perfumèd petals from maman's prize Rosa x illyrica Demetrii .

     [In re rosa : See endless thread of intello-botanic comments between Jimbo and me]

     Minor Problemo: I'm not sure she actually soils her slender nail-bitten fingers with 'work'.

     Minorer Prob': her salle-de-bain  is indeed spacious and decked with the latest mod conneries, but I still think I'd get in the way of her burly husband as he busied himself with his own toiletries.

     But I'll try asking him next time the two of us are jostling for position round sa belle femme, competing for who gets to soap her supple back. V good suggestion!

6. Send her a romantic text or email, or leave a loving note around the house
   • Dude, my days consist of nothing else. Of course, we have to make sure the cleaner finds the note before hubby does.
7. Wake her up with breakfast in bed
   • I would swoon at the chance!

     Ohh, to see those sleepy eyes flicker, the first stirrings of that divine feline bod; the twitch of her perfect nostrils at the waft of java. Hélas, see #5.

     I suppose I could spend an agonising night under the marital bed - kinky! - and then tiptoe out at sparrow fart, prepare a light and loving petit déjeuner  and then creep back in and hope she munches the croissant discreetly enough not to wake El Ferocioso whose Rock of Gibraltar ring adorns her left hand.

     Mais tiens! What if he woke? Choque horreur.

     Quel explication?

     "Oh, I'm sorry. This is number 12, isn't it? Othos Perithia?

     What? It's Othos PETHERA?

     Oh my goodness how embarrassing.

     That stupid stupid taxi driver.

     Well, I'll be off now."

8. Offer her a coat when she is cold
   • Of course I would, but her walk-in closet is crammed with fox furs and mink mittens, panther-pelt capes and kangaroo cuffs ... I don't think my shabby Burberry would quite cut it.

9. Send her a bouquet of flowers, or a box of chocolates at work
   • See #5. The closest she comes to sordid 'work' is lunching with the girls, tennis, bridge games, and of course endless shopping as Louis double parks and keeps the Lexus ticking over.

     I suppose I could ambush her at a traffic light and shove a bunch of horta  through the window ... yeh, chicks go for that sort impromptu gesture.

10. Make her a compilation of her favourite music
    • See my answers passim .

      And you should see her Myspace inbox, crammed with the softest sexiest lurve ballads - the Barrys Manilow and White, Moby, Nora Jones, Brel, Ben Webster ... no problem there, pal.

Really, with a top score like this, I don't know where I get the time to read this romantic tripe, what with fending off all the foxy floosies who keep tearing at my under-garments and throwing stones at my window:

"Hsst! Chris! It's me. Let me in, my angel. I couldn't bear the thought of you tossing and turning in that lonely 4-poster bed."

Yeh, right. Dream on, mon petit.