AXE!

Got me a new guitar. Bit of all-right.

Saw it on the Grapevine - €100, wot i spend a night on Caroline's mojitos - and ran it thru the checklist.

• Decent reviews
• Beginner guitar, nice action
• 22 frets "but beware, you only get wood up to #15." Good heads-up.

Made an offer, met the seller n guitar and sat down to make sure i wasnt repeating my previous goofs of over-eagerness, eyes bigger than my capo, know what i mean?

I'd taken my plug-in tuner along so i could feel it at pitch tension. Seller and cohorts gathered around, prolly thought i was using one of those gizmos that test everything - like when Benson takes the Roller in for a routine check and they attach it to this mega 'puter that spots a dusty ashtray and dodgy torque at the 150 mark.

Really put it thru its paces: finger-style, pick, finger picks, bottle neck - could not fault it, dammit. 

It was Tasia day so she was cooking and cleaning and i suddenly felt like a kid, sneaking in a new toy, so i went down to the south wing and walked up ever so casual like "This ol' thing? Had it for years, just yanked it out to see if it was a bad as i remembered. Tass weren't fooled.

Took it out the case and gave it a little polish; went to tune it but it was spot on from when i tested it.

Plugged it in - whoa! someone given me a new amp while i was gone? Crisp crisp sound, nice simple controls, responsive.

Jammed a bit and then some more and then shoved on my shibboleth album, the one I play along to that really separates  the men from the boys - 'Huddie Leadbetter sings the Best of Abba'.  Oh man, I got up singing and cryin', the Lawd was begging mercy.

• 22 frets -  what's this shit about no use above the 15th? This baby was orgasming right to the top. Huh! Clearly never been the arms of a real man. Lotta guitars say that about me.
• 'Beginner guitar ... nice action'? No, beginner's guitar, crap action becoz they dont know better, innit? Lambs to the slaughter. I once offered to buy a 'beginner' classical guitar for a pal so we started in that pawn-shop dahn the Charing Cross Road. 

• Dusty dinged guitar on the top shelf but it looked 'interesting'. Santos Beirão out of Portugal. Tried it, perfect, spot-on harmonics at the 12th. 

"This is the one." 

'Are you sure? It looks rather ...' 

"This is the one. Twelve quid, better than some selling round the corner at Ivor Mairants for £40."

The shrewd pawner didn't look too pleased at the thought he might be missing a trick.

Reminded me: David asked if I might have time to give his daughter a few starter lessons, see if she actually had any bent for the instrument. (She hadn't, but there you go.)

 Exquisite gazelle of 14, heart-achingly beautiful, God knows what happened when she hit 'legal'. 

We'd sit in her bedroom, door closed and I'd show her basic Carulli lessons and watch with patient sternness as he fumbled. Asked which songs she liked and I'd write out the chords and we'd strum along. Wasn't there but never mind, plenty of wily strummers would be serenading her out of her knickers in due course.

5pm her mum would knock on the door, "How's it going? Fee like a break? Sherry, Chris?"

But can you imagine a randy 25-yr-old being allowed to sit closeted behind closed doors these days? Sic transit ...

But I digress, back to my new baby ...

• So, yes, I plunked and I plinked and rinky-dink-dinked and was in seventh heaven. 

I'm jamming at this Saturday's Arts & Crafts Fair and, seeing as it's amid the Faithful, I wanted to keep it real n religious, bit of Hank.  Little Miss Ibanez fitted right on in.

How time flies! Next thing I knew, Tass was telling me she was έτοιμη, so we got in the Nissan and orft we went, me flushed with fret-power and chattering 2 a drachma.

Tasia - "You look so happy. Good new guitar?"

Say what? I mean, come on chaps - bosh and no man's a fool, let's face it: how Bigsby-whipped can a fellow get? 

At least let it be me rubicund flushed with post-coital pride at having gone the distance with some foxy tottie ... But dude! Getting my rocks off on a taut tremolo arm and a fresh set of lite-gauge d'Addario strings.Too shaming.

Delivered Tasia chez elle n drove home. Briam in the oven so I started lunch. From the next room, "That you, hon?" There she was, reclining on the stand, just looking as sleek as panther on heat.