Debrett 'Quette for the Movie Set

Of course, try any of these on today's hog-snorting snogging, paper cracklin', seat thwacking thuggos 'n' they'll be over the seat and punchin' yer face in before you can say,

"Do I feel lucky, punk? Well do I?"

Trust me, you do not.

Cool Commentaria: I knew one day that the Doge of Democracy would deliver a comment weightier than the post abaht which he was chirping:

"Noisy youths on crowded intercity the other day. Not vicious, hardly drinking. I'm not stupid. Just noising up the whole carriage.

I 'hobble' over (fake limp, like the mother duck's dropped wing) and lean over the table -(carefully judged distance, so not 'in your face').

"Sorry about this but I have a problem. (pause...smile edging on 'He-e-re's Johnny' rictus; checking for the leader)

... I absolutely detest young people.

(I even surprised myself with that.)

Batemanesque freeze frame - not just the lads.

Kids gape then break into grins.

"We too loud?" says leader. "Well, yes". Gesture to ears - smiling, always smiling (the ancient primate threat/conciliate facial).

"OK mate. OK."

Hands shaken all round, thumbs up. I even like them.

It didn't make them silent - faces to be saved - but the carriage became bearable and an ironic friendly handshake from the leader when they left at Preston.

It's always different. No formula where civil society's evaporated. The one thing is never to think mano-e-mano, which is why girls make good bouncers and there are occasions when 'il faut reculer...' especially if you're in company.

Etiquette's no good. Only works on ROM. For this world, you need scholarship level politeness. Lots of RAM. Time in prison helps but I make do with public school boarding."

Yon Sinbad speaks for England.