PAKI SMACKIE

AKA Racism at Tiffany's

Lovely earnest piece in The Times about Brek at Tiffany's being 'racist'. Yawn.

In the same way that those Health & Safety buffoons sit around thinking up new ways to nanny us around, journos like Satham Sanghera (a name and a half if e'er was one) also tap their teeth and scan the horizon for new and unlikely paths down which to raise a 'racist' ruckus.

But I do love the idea of a nipponed-up Mickey Rooney coming out with,

"O me so sorry! Me love you long time!”

I don't think the lowliest of our gardeners in Hong Kong ever spoke chinglish that basic.

But I tell you what, back in those fragrantly harboured days , my bro and I - together with our Cantonese servants - used to sit without a trace of irony and watch with rapt glee every episode of Charlie Chan. He was of course played by a whitey with angled brows and slitty eyes.

Unspeakable acts on your mother! Can you imagine that happening today?

Can you imagine Peter Sellers goodnessing and graciousing over Sophia in that wonderful accent?

Ditto for the B&W Minstrel show - golly, I wish they'd bring it back to the melon patch ~ or at least play Spike Lee's Bamboozled once a year.

So, back to Tiffany's and well done Sanghera-sahib waving the rascalist card at Massa Capote and risking our groans and mockery.

We have a copy in the guest wing corridor - one of those lovely old Penguins that bookshelves of the Orient still groan under - so I must dust it down and give it the once over.

BEAK & ASS: Good old Beeb, coming to my rescue just when I thought I'd have to resort to gratuitous posting of babes of un-gratuitous tans simply to bulk out and racianise this posting.

Believe me, I've never heard of la bella Laila Rouass but now I see her foto, I rue nothing.

She looks comely enough to hail from Pakistania but who can tell these days?

In the interests of fairness - and adding even more pics of sari sirens, I googled Indian and South Indian actresses and could not tell the difference between them and the alluring Pakistani Puellas.

Anyway, Anton 'Beak' Du Beke seems to think that Laila looks Paki, or why else would he be in such current eau chaud?

Good lord! No sooner do I comment on Sanghers racism sulk than I see the self same play reviewed. Quel coincidence - and what good publicity for book and play.

Groan - now Bruce Forsyth is poking his formidable chin into the Beak/Ass affaire. 'Move on, indeed' - why are folks so obsessed with rascialism? Is there a gang of them who sit waiting for the slightest excuse to ring the racial gong?

According to this article, it seems that Beaky thought Laila looked like a 'Paki'. Well, he's clever to spot the difference. All that matters, surely - and Brucie is right - is that La Roue is a corker. Duhh - all that fuss for nowt.

But as punishment for Forsyth sticking his beak in, I'm running a pic of him and his sizzling assistante.

Jackson Jive skit ~ hells bells, rascialism is suddenly all the craze. Harry Connick is rightly suspicious of a silly black-faced skit in my Down Under birthplace of Oz.

What tickles me is the reaction of those involved with the show: in true ocker style, they have not the faintest idea why anyone should be offended by those blacked-up faces and are floundering around to come up with a suitable reaction.

"Indian ancestry" - now i've heard it all. What a pathetic lot. Tip-toeing around the subject. She's Indian, she's Pakistani, she's whatever she is ... good god what a farce in a cup of قہوہ.

Paki Row: Forsyth forced to apologise. Bleagghh! (Not to mention Golly!) I'm changing this posting to Paki Preen, maybe 'Paki Posturing', maybe whatever I can think up that tramples this whole idiocy into the Indus mud.

Wilnelia - I know that sounds like a flower or one of those weird names plonked on gals "of African ancestry" - like Tyshonda or Beyonce - but it is in fact the name of Mrs Bruce Forsyth who has waded into the Strictly Come Racist brou-haha.

Mrs BF is Puerto Rican and the hilarious point about her shoving her oar in - for which we all thank her - is that *she* has more of the Paki about her in her au naturel look than darling Laila did with all the make-up she slathered on to punjab up for the cameras.

Great PR for the show and, I imagine, great publicity for the ladies of Pakistan whom we're all now googling in the light of La Rouass's rueful beauté.

Marvelously racialicious Monty Khyber sketch complete with incomprehensible but offensive indo-paki accent that would never have passed the Peter Sellers test.

The crawling waiter is Michael Palin and note his skiful application of Baluchistan 'bronzer', the very same donned by Laila that lured Beaky into mistaking her for a Paki.

Pop the frock on back to front ~ Oh dear !! Beaky goes squeaky again. That boy's for an early shower - but I do like La Roue's cute friend, Tessa Whoever.