£1.5 million for Goody wedding rites

Mz Goody is the crass cow who got herself in hot water over racist treatment of a fellow Big Brother house-mate (see gratuitous babe shot)

Actually, more like Big Sister, except for the gargantuan Jade dwarfing everyone else.

I don't know if Mz G got paki-woggy on Shilpa Shetty, but Golli there's a name to make sure you pronounce right, right?

Anyway, that bloke up there in the photo isn't fatso Goody but the brilliant PR maestro, Max Clifford, who orchestrates all these money-making tabloid coups we read not *in* the tabloid press (coz we don't read such rubbish, do we?) but in our posh papers' coverage of the coverage of the disgraceful publicity attracted by all the coverage of the gutter press.

Oy, Cliff, mate - brilliant, my son!! Couldn't have pulled strings better meself.

Tell you wot, maestro - synergy is the word for your next move. Let's see what we've got.

The lumpen Goody coming up for Last Rites as she goes down slow with the Big C (actually not that slow).

£1.5 million brilliantly negotiated for shots of the chavvy wedding to her jailbird bloke (who's not allowed to stay out for the wedding night, so the redtop paps can climb down from their boudoir perches), Anyway, cheap at the price, chum.

Christening of the Goody brats. Lovely - all extra pocket money.

Listen to me, Clifford - Chantelle's Maisie's got to be christened, innit? Don't matter who the dad is.

Ta-raah. Double christening - Master Patten and other claimants to Chantelle's - wait for it - *jade* gate (nice tie in) outside the church, ready to scrap as soon as the paparazzi get there. ("Mine! No she's mine! No she's not, she's mine!!"). Corker coverage.

I tell you, Maxie, a 2-in-1 would hit the sky for broadcast rights - me, I'd even come out of retirement to do an exclusive for my old muckers at the Bainbridge Review.

Sleep on it and have your girl call mine in the morning. We'll do lunch.

Latest readings: Liz Hunt quite good on Goody's final furlong.

Circus Master: interesting and faintly comic Guardian interview with the endearingly earnest PR consul, Maximus Cliffordus.

Always good value when off the waffle, Maxie is equally convincing when he's in  chatterbox gear, thanks to a killer combination of *that* accent and the wonderfully serious pose he adopts when pontificating on his cliffordian puffery hackery wizardry. One of a kind is our Maximilan.

Charm ... dignity: You won't see those unlikely words on this page in the same sentence as that Goody creature, but the Teleg's Jenny McCartney thinks it'll get eyeballs.

Heart-rending and happy: £750,000's worth of heart rend and Maxi media ecstasy.

TV crew to "capture the moment"

Celeb mag forking out for exclusive pics

Some song jays hopping on the wagon for mega publicity

Modest Maxie delivering his spiel.

Jailbird hubby out on extended mercy lay leave.

Mission Accomplished.

CHRISTENING STUFF: Short emotional pale fragile - left anything out, have I?