Holiday Japes

As The Season gets underway and hotels fill with friends of friends of gentle folk they've brushed against in Harrods Food Counter, the phone rings with 'introductions':

'Could I - ah - speak to the lady of the house? Ah yes well, you don't know me but 'Binky' Daniels gave us your number ...' Etc.

Of course they must visit so down goes muggins to collect them from the Chandris or Olympiakis or wherever.

Cruising the lounges and poolsides to envy how the other half hols, I've come across THE most fascinating game: eavesdropping on thoe hapless wretches who just could NOT leave their cell phones or Blackberries behind.

Family splashing in the pool, missus frying the cellulite on a deckchair as she knocks back the Gs & T ("Oh come on, Geoffrey - surely it can wait?") - and breadwinner boxing the compass to get a signal ('Can you hear me NOW? That's better - OK, have you tried the third drawer down, next to the staples? Wait a minute, try under Anderson. There should be a green file at the back')

Meanwhile, gazing up sympathetically, some bloke hunched over a Vaio, wincing at the cc's from cruel colleagues back in the harness and cursing our Ionian wiredlessness: "I distinctly asked for a room with broadband" "Yes, sir - broadband" "No, this is dial-up, and very slow dial-up" "Yes, sir - dial-up broadband." "Oh never mind. Forget it."

All electronica in the Holmes household is well hidden, but we do have excellent phone reception from our hilltop eyrie, the only trouble being that chirruping Nokias are regarded by the chatelaine of the castle as being on a par with farting and greeted with identical icy flare of the nostrils.

Dunking: Poolside natter has reduced considerably since a hedge fund johnny left his phone conveniently near the edge, only to be swept into the chlorine with a friendly sweep of Sam's ebullient tail.

Such was the hostess's purring approval of such canine censorship (albeit not by Mister Moneybags) that Sam now recognises it as a shortcut to petting and treats and circles the pool for any more gadgets to dunk.