Bad Sex in Fiction Prize 2009

Always a highlight of my annus blogiensis .

All rather funny in a ghastly way but dear Paul Theroux invariably takes the cake.

No idea why he thinks he can write sex.

Yoni puja  down the portal to you too, pal:

"'Baby.' She took my head in both hands and guided it downward, between her fragrant thighs. 'Yoni puja – pray, pray at my portal.'

"She was holding my head, murmuring 'Pray,' and I did so, beseeching her with my mouth and tongue, my licking a primitive form of language in a simple prayer.

It had always worked before, a language she had taught me herself, the warm muffled tongue."

The Art of Writing a Sex Scene

And note the reference to:

"One of the most gloriously incongruous exchanges amid the throes of passion occurs in Nick Cave's Death of Bunny Munro after Bunny has just admired his lover River's "muscular vagina".

"Wow," says Bunny, from the depths of space.

"Pilates," says River."

What an absolutely splendid advertisement for Pilates.

I am ordering a crate of books and will hie me down to that divinely-named "In-Active" gym alongside Scondo and the bowling alley.

You know the one: all those sleek beautées sashaying and shimmering out on the hour.

I will offer them copies at a very reasonable mark-up.

Guaranteed sales and if they turn me down, I shall simply set up my own barrow right outside, heaped high and boldly proclaiming -

"MV Power! Get it here! The Wow! book. Yoni puja!"

It will make me a tidy income.

Can you imagine the locker room chat among the ladies? Ooh to be a gekko on the wall.